Ep 20 – Road Rage and Reactivity

Hey, welcome to you’ll die trying I’m Nathan Morris.

And I’m Dr. Jonathan Carroll.

And this is a podcast to men sitting in the snow talking about trying to live a life that matters and becoming a better version of ourselves. And it is, by all means our privilege and honor that you join us. This it is thank you for being here. This is our 20th episode. Yay, confetti gain. And there’s a big surprise coming. It was promised in number 19 that the 20th episode was going to bring a surprise and it will it will bring a surprise we will surprise our listeners or we will die trying.

We’re always talking about how we’re going to die trying being better versions of ourselves. Let’s be very, very honest. Right now we are going to die.

We you and I are constantly around loss, loss of life, loss of relationship and of course even loss of property grief everywhere.

And when I think of all those things, we have to think of someone or something that’s going to protect us and those we love. Someone that I think of is Robert edge with Kentucky Farm Bureau insurance

right here in our community always ready to serve.

He’s an agent. He’s big on commitment and he is committed to my family personally and professionally. If you’re thinking of insurance if you’re thinking of home auto life think no other are no further than Robert edge with Kentucky Farm Bureau insurance

call Robert at 270-929-4215. So, Nathan, why don’t you say a bit about our surprise.

I can’t It’s not my fault. It’s not my fault.

Let’s talk a minute about fault finding. Okay,

okay. Let me No, no, there’s no need. There’s no need to teach a lesson here. The other day, we were talking about how we’re excited about the 20th episode. Megan’s excited Joy’s excited, everybody’s excited about it. Yes. I hope our listeners are excited. Thanks, Julie. We said that we were going to have something to share with you. And the only thing that we can share with you right now is that what we were going to share with you we can’t share with you

there are reasons good solid, natural reasons,

miraculous reasons.


Like that’s the best word we can use here. I think that’s a good word. Miraculous. It’s just not time.

Yeah, there is. There’s a surprise coming though. And it’s going to be good carrot. Consider this, the Annunciation? Yeah, a kind of an immaculate surprise. But it’s delayed. So today, you’re stuck with us. And we’re grateful that you’re here. I would like to draw our attention with your Okay, go ahead. No, no, no, no, no, no.

So this is ridiculous. Okay. Dr. Carroll is attached to the wall. He is about 10 feet from the wall, there is an outlet there. And there’s a cellphone charger plugged in that is about 10 foot in length that is blue, it looks like an Ethernet cable, and it’s connected to his cell phone. It is the most ridiculous thing I’ve seen to I’m going to share it let’s share it. I’m sharing a picture of this.

I have learned excuse me to always be prepared.

But the last podcast you were running around, I had nothing

I didn’t have my laptop, I didn’t have my charging cable. Now. All I have is a 10 foot charging cord. You know, I’ve been thinking about our podcast. No, that shocks you. And as of as I’ve listened to other podcasts, by the way, and I have to say I mean, I’m always impressed by people’s ability to share their lives and their knowledge and wisdom and experience in ways that to me are life giving and in some ways, even transformative, how amazing it is that somebody would message us and tell us hey, checked out your podcast and y’all said something and it made a difference. And I just another time want to say a heartfelt thank you to you who join us in this journey. It’s such a gift to us really. And I know I can say for Nathan and for myself that we’re grateful beyond belief. I just think that this medium is powerful. I want to say a little bit about social media today and social media interactions. But first, you know, here we are. We’re using a technological medium to communicate. But I think that this to me is the purest form of media. Because all this is literally as two human voices sharing in conversation and nothing else. No Special Effects, no fake news, no sentimentalism, just two people sharing in conversation. And it’s great that other people can listen in and probably yell back at us and you know, maybe even affirm or disagree with us. That’s wonderful. I think this is a very pure form of communication. And I’m honored to be able to, to share it. And it’s, it’s so much fun.

I have a blast day in and day out to hear from people, people, such as yourselves who are listening to what Dr. Carroll and I have to say, and I take away from you so many nuggets. I mean, I find myself always saying, oh, there’s a nugget, there’s a nugget and to get the affirmation from your listeners to say, hey, that encouraged me. Like the email we got the other day that this gentleman was driving in Indiana, and he sees a billboard that has Abraham Lincoln quote, and then it said, civility, and he said, I was listening to the episode on being civil. Oh, wow. And that was really cool. That was actually to my personal Facebook. Wow, that email speaking of Facebook, please visit You’ll die trying please visit us at Instagram at you’ll die and you’ll die trying podcast trying podcast. So you die try. That’s just not trying. But that is that one place, please stay in touch. And thank you very much for doing so.

I was driving the other day. And I watched an interaction I’m speaking of, of people being in conversation with one another, I don’t think it would qualify as a conversation, there was a person sitting in a turn lane, and was awaiting his turn on the green ball yielding to make his left turn crossing oncoming traffic. And he made a decision that was probably a little premature. And the oncoming driver agreed that that was a little premature, and communicated with him. And I think what would be considered a fairly colloquial way, you know, hand gesture, letting him know that he was aware that he was there and shouldn’t be. And I thought, golly, it’s so easy for people when they don’t have the opportunity to see each other talk to each other to be unkind to another. The guy just he made a decision. He had plenty of time. And he didn’t put anyone in danger. We’ve all done it. Can I make it cannot we go for it? It’s fine. Nobody no harm, no foul. But the guy coming for whatever reason thought that it was a bad decision felt entitled to that space and let him have it. You know, let him You could tell he was angry Gee, yelling inside the cab of his vehicle, like screaming, you know, at this person?

Like day ruined?

Yeah, yeah. And I thought first of all, wow, what happened either to that guy this morning or for his entire life to make him so angry, then I felt bad. Oh my gosh, he’s obviously hurts. Probably had a miserable last few months. Maybe his relationships are ending? I don’t know. It’s kind of where I tend to go. But why doesn’t that same thing happen? When we’re coming out of aisle nine in the newly redefined and redecorated grocery store, local, or regional national chain that we have here in Kentucky. When I’m coming out of aisle nine and there is an traffic jam in the main corridor. It’s up. I’m so sorry. Excuse me. I didn’t mean to get in your way. And I couldn’t Oh, no worries, no worries. If we did that same thing in our cars, there would be middle fingers flying, curse words flying. But in the grocery store. We’re like, it’s no problem. We’re all just in here doing the same thing. What do you think is the difference? They’re able to

hide? I don’t know. I mean, people are dumb. Just know, I don’t know. I don’t know the answer to that. I think there. Whenever you are face to face with someone, yes, your feet are held to the fire. It’s like I’m need to continue to be a human. Yeah, be an ethical human being.

But when you’re in your vehicle, and you feel that you can escape. Yes, you have the power of the speed, the power of being ensconced in this, you know, cage of metal, feeling fairly probably invulnerable. You can get away, as you said, and you don’t, there’s no, there’s no accountability. There’s nobody there to say hey, that was not me. Unless the person is driving with a particularly conscientious passenger, spouse or child who will call him out on it. There’s no accountability. Whereas in a grocery store, you might have 10 people around you saying, Hey, relax, you know, it’s no big deal. We’re all just trying to do the same thing. Potato chips, and I kind of think that that’s what social media has done to us in our relationships. Social media is the vehicle in which we move around the world and feel like we can basically say anything we want to anyone we want in any way that we want, and expect there to be zero consequence. And we have zero accountability. And I think that’s a problem.

I was reading, I like to read, you know, like the trending the those statuses that are going being shared 1000s of times and just reading the commentary, I would be afraid to say some of the stuff that people say, on Facebook, for instance, yesterday I was reading something is probably political. But actually it definitely was political, which I won’t touch on. But it was these people, there’s their profile photos are showing their full names are showing and they’re saying this ignorance statement, I would never do such a thing. I don’t know what they do. They feel like they’re invincible.

I think that’s one of the major critiques that critics of social media have with this form of technology is that it is it’s a problem. Fix it. Okay, I’m going to fix it how? Well I think by our having this conversation, I kind of see it as the planting of a seed. And if people who are listening in to this conversation can commit with us to practicing a kind of civil and respectable disposition and demeanor in social media. And when they see things that are maybe a little less than what’s the word I’m looking for exemplary. Yeah, that’s perfect. Perfect. Then we have a choice. Do we invite the author of that to say, you know, I wonder if there’s another way we could say that, or do we just ignore it?

I didn’t ignore it the other day, you’re gonna hear what I did. I was thinking about this, this truck pulls up. It’s a semi truck. And we have our onsite crematory, you have by law to place a loved one in what’s called an alternative container. It’s a minimal container required by the state of Kentucky for a loved one to be cremated. Okay, so we get those delivered all the time because cremation is on the rise. R and L carriers brings all of our cremation containers, our cremation inserts for our rental caskets. I’m getting to the point, this guy pulls up on Fifth Street pulls over, and it has this hazard lights on and we roll out there with all of our church trucks, those portable trucks that you place all of the cardboard dangers on. Cool. Yeah, yeah, there’s, there’s no easy way to do this. Because obviously, a semi can’t access the garage, the parking lot, they’re not gonna be able to access anything, anywhere in which we need it. So it takes a little bit to get there. So when we get there, the driver is not in a good mood. He’s like, can you not think of an easier way? A better way to do this? Why don’t you bring a truck over? And I said to him, Sir, do you have a truck for us? And then John, My brother says, Sir, do you have a truck in the back of the CYMA that we could borrow? Because we would have to load the truck, unload the truck, it’d be actually more trips. And I said, Actually, I have a question for you. I said, you seem like you’re having a tough day. Good for you. He looked at me like a deer in headlights. And he was like, Oh, well, I guess I need to work on that. And he was silent the rest of the time of our interaction, which I was fine with. But I called him on it. Yeah, because he’s being very hateful.

Yeah. I think he did the exact right thing, because someone else in a similar circumstance might decide, yeah, you know, what, I’m going to share with you what happened know, in the last delivery, when somebody treated me like a dog, because I’m just here to provide a service. And apparently, I was interrupting their day. And that was the worst thing that had happened to them. And it made me feel bad about myself. And I’m going to come and do it. 10 other people, and I’m expecting the same treatment. And you know, that would have been a really cool way to open up about that. But, you know, who knows, we could have also just been dealing with someone who’s kind of a chronically critical or negative person.

I kind of sense that was the case. Like he had life looked like he just carried it on his shoulders a little bit. And I wasn’t gonna let it affect me. I mean, let’s be honest. It’s part of my job to get those containers. I don’t mind it. Obviously. I’m still working here. Yeah. And that was the first time I’ve had that interaction. Have ever seen that driver before. Usually, my interactions with RnL are great. That was one of I Gosh, 100.

Wow. Well, well, I like what you did, because you know, you didn’t pretend like it wasn’t happening. I think that this is a key component of emotion, emotional intelligence. Emotional Intelligence is a kind of a scientific exploration and a discussion about what parts of ourselves interact with the world around us and how aware we are of that so everybody knows what IQ is right? Intellectual quotient. It’s like the degree to which we are able to know certain things intellectually. But then there’s this thing called EQ, which stands for emotional quotient. We call it emotional intelligence. And there are you know, maybe let’s say 15 skills that comprise emotional intelligence skills, like self regard, or self confidence is another way of saying that assertiveness self actualization, which means the degree to which you’re comfortable going after improvement bettering yourself taking classes, learning skills, that kind of thing. motional self awareness, emotional self expression. So what is going on in me? And how comfortable? Am I articulating that impulse control, reality testing, etc. These are all the components that make up our emotional intelligence. And by and large, I think most of us have work to do to increase emotional intelligence. So one of the things I do at the clinic is provide assessments for individuals and companies, corporations, and work with especially HR teams and executive teams on building emotional intelligence within leadership. reality testing is one of those emotional skills that is being able to see what is actually there and doing something about it, not pretending that it isn’t there. So what you did, as an act of emotional intelligence, is you named what was happening, this is a person who’s having a negative reaction seems like you must be having a difficult day, it had a way of kind of disarming him, not to the point of warm fuzzies and hugs and high fives, but to the point of, okay, I hear you, I work on that. And I’m going to just continue to quietly do what I do. And we’ll do it together, and we’ll get it done. And that’s, that’s what happens. So kudos, and Three cheers for emotional intelligence and the way that it improves your everyday life. It’s important stuff.

i It’s funny how whenever you go to do that, though, there’s a part of you is like, Oh, I’m not. And then you just kind of go for it’s kind of like jumping off the diving board for the first Yeah, you know, yeah, I needed to be done. I was glad I was glad to do it. feel better about it, even though he did finish the entire interaction silently. So we’re not a single word, even so far as to pull the paper out of his pocket that I had to sign Oh, just silently, silent pan.

There’s some theater to that. You know, when you look back on that, you think that that was kind of a dramatic the silence is is dramatic. It was very dramatic. He entered into a role he was playing a role.

I never knew that. Adults could be so but they are, you know,

I bet that’s a role he’s played his entire life.

That’s a shame.

I bet that anytime he was called out on something he victim he learned for whatever reason to shut down, isn’t it? It’s so powerful. When you have those kinds of interactions. And you realize, man, we are all that way. Because that just could have easily been me. That could have just as easily been me having a rough day, being crabby to someone and them saying Rough day and I’m saying okay, all right, I hear you. I’ll just shut it down. I mean, I that could have been me if I’m not paying attention. I’m not being intentional about being compassionate and kind, right. So this whole thing, I think, is about reactivity. You know, one of the ways that our anxiety individually and corporately, whether it be a family, a workplace, or us as a society, you know, there there is anxiety writ large in society, we see it all the time. I mean, you see anxiety played out on the political stage on religious stages on, you know, war theaters, it’s all all of it, all of it is symptomatic of managed and unwieldy, anxiety alive and all of us. And, as we talked about before, anxiety is nothing to be afraid of, it’s neither good nor bad. It’s a force, it’s an energy, we just have to understand it, right. But I think that what we’re running into with the guy in the turn lane, and the oncoming driver, or if we were to run into someone who was crappy to us, aisle nine, or the RnL, guy, it’s reactivity. I would like to invite us into a conversation about what it would look like to begin taking some steps to manage our reactivity to regain some control of our emotional selves. Much like what you described, in trying to acknowledge a situation and not return anxiety for anxiety. There’s a text in the New Testament that says, you know, do not return evil for evil, but do that which is good, right? In Romans. So there’s this opportunity that we have someone comes at us with their bad attitude, we have some options, we can give an in kind gift and return it to them. We can return it to them in spades. We ourselves could shut down, we or we could do all kinds of other things, you know, the driver coming toward the he could just as easily have let that go is as to react the way he did? What in your mind? And we’ll both think about this together. What are some of your ways? What are the ways that we practice managing our reactivity? To keep that immaturity to keep that old childhood role of whether it’s shutting down being the martyr being the victim? What are the ways that you and I have to practice managing ourselves so that we’re in those situations, our anxiety doesn’t get the best of us and we maintain a professionalism and a compassionate stance toward those around us.

Our brains are so powerful, they create scenarios a lot. So we oftentimes will create a scenario that doesn’t yet happen won’t even happen, may or may not happen that causes anxiety. So when you have a family, for instance, coming in the dynamics of the family You’re a little bit odd or a strain a strain, estranged? Yeah.

Is that the right range?

Thank you. You, you kind of were like, Oh, well, this is gonna be a hard arrangement or whatever, you create this and then everything’s fine. So what I’ve done is, is that I’ll create the scenario before the scenario even happens. That helps.

Mm hmm. Good. So you don’t tell yourself a story that isn’t true? Correct. Good.

That’s the first thing that I do. Another thing is I took away from a previous previous podcast when we were talking about the breathing exercise and how Apple watching notice I’m wearing it again, because I was referring to how I, the Apple Watch has that feature, there’s a brief feature, taking a deep breath, you said totally restarts and kind of recharges super helpful. Because it does two things. One, it kind of centers you to it, it’s a pause button for you. So we’re getting ready to say something really stupid, or reactive. In this instance, you take that deep breath, you take that moment. Next thing you know is you’re able to kind of compartmentalize and file it away appropriately. Next thing you know, you don’t act like an idiot.

I love that. And I think one of the places where this is most important, let me say two of the places where this is most important, of course, at home home. That’s the most important place and workplace, especially for people who work in teams or groups and work with other people. workplace communication being the most important facet of, of workplace dynamics. And ethos. communication breaks down most often because a major player fails to manage his or her reactivity. And that person can single handedly change the mood of, of the workplace. I know that in my own home, when not if sadly, but when I come into the the family ethic context with a anything less than stellar attitude, it modifies the shape of the attitude of the family that was pre existing my being there. So when I come in, if I’m in not a good mood, it changes everything. Because joy and I are the major players. And we’re the adults, and we’re the shapers of the dreams, were the shapers of the personalities were the shapers of the of the culture of that family. And if one or both of us is in a space, which of course everyone’s entitled to be right. It changes things, you know, so we have to be aware that our presence in the lives of people around us changes the tenor, the nature, the color of the interactions. And that’s true in the workplace too. So you know, for you coming in as, as owner, operator, managing all of these people, if you are in a an anxious place, and are reacting in anxious ways, as anyone is prone to do from time to time, it changes the landscape of, of the of the workplace. So let’s think about some specific and concrete and positive ways to kind of change the course of our reactivity, so that we can make our workplaces and make our our living places better do it. First, we tend to make assumptions. We’ve talked before in the Four Agreements about not making assumptions, we want to make sure that we come to situations from a place of curiosity rather than conclusion. I’m writing this down when we come to a place or to a situation, having already drawn a conclusion than we are, as you just alluded to, poised for a reaction of some kind, anger, stress, frustration, disappointment, those things cannot be avoided. But their effects can be evaded. We can get around that common, oftentimes, childhood learned reaction protocol that we think is hardwired in us, and we can do something different. I think one of the most powerful things about the human being is resilience, our ability to rise up in difficult circumstances, and press on. And I think we don’t have to wait for a crisis, or life altering tragedy or trauma to happen in order for us to rise up and be resilient. I think every day presents us with innumerable opportunities to do something different. That’s if I could have something on a license plate and was willing to pay for it. And it was a license plate that was slightly longer than my bumper. Do something different would be But I would want on there do it differently.

I was watching, there’s a new series on Netflix, it’s called Medal of Honor, encourage every single one of you who are listening to watch that on Netflix, take a moment right now actually just say thank you to our veterans, military men and women who are out there currently having served or are serving our country. Thank you very much. This is about men and women who ever received the Medal of Honor, whether it be most of which have received it posthumously, yeah. And it talks about people who are resilient in their actions, people, ordinary people like yourself, myself, I’m not comparing myself to these incredible soldiers. I’m just saying that these ordinary people did something extraordinary because human beings when they are, you know, backed into a corner, or whether that be in the workplace, or in this instance, on the battlefield. I mean, we can do some magnificent, miraculous incredible things. If we just kind of get outside of ourselves. People are amazing, people are amazing, you should definitely check out Medal of Honor, I think that was just an opportunity for me to plug that to be quite honest with you, because I just love that show. I love our country, and I love our military.

Thank you for saying that. That was a worthwhile pause. So yeah, check your assumptions. Stay open to being wrong. And I think we should always assume that other people with whom we’re in work, life and communication, have positive intent.

Stay open to being wrong. I love that.

I just wanted to slide that.

Did y’all hear that? Everyone? Did you hear that say open to being wrong?

Do you know why that’s important that I say that? I love it. Because I struggle with that.

So you’re, you’re preaching to yourself? Absolutely. COURAGING yourself. But I didn’t take I mean, I took it as encouragement myself, I think it’s, it’s great to know and to be okay with being wrong. There’s nothing more in my opinion, power, mature Yes. To then to say, You know what, I was wrong.

I’m so terrible at it. I’m terrible. Well, you know what, it’s a disease work

on that, because I think that there’s something really incredible and it takes away any power that anyone else has against you, over you truly deserving. And it keeps you you know, still powerful.

I don’t know, I am truly sorry. And I wasn’t wrong are three very powerful phrases that when use sincerely have the power to change the world. That’s awesome. Another thing that we can do to try to, I think, shift from a very reactive state, to a more calm one, which of course I think should be the goal of all of us all the time is to what they say they call getting back into your body. Breathing, sitting back in your chair, if you’re seated, unfolding your arms. Being being open, recognizing, you know, if you’re standing, plant your feet, just feel where you are, it sounds weird. But what happens is, in our anxiety, we tend to have disembodied experiences, we tend to react outside of the way we would if we knew we were being watched. It’s very powerful to watch those shows that are called quote, unquote, reality TV, which of course is all scripted, that show what people are like when they’re being watched. The old phrase, character is who you are, when no one is watching, plays here. If we all knew that there were four cameras trained on us at all times, and we cared that we present ourselves at our best, I think we would be different than the way most of us are when we get in the front seat of the car to drive or, you know, we’re waiting in a grocery checkout mine impatiently, or something has happened. And we’re waiting on a contractor or service provider or vendor to show up and do what they said they would do in their late. I mean, if we if we realized that we had people around us, and we were being watched, I think we would be more cautious. Well, what happens is we dis embody ourselves. So the idea of being outside of ourselves and looking back toward ourselves, we have some awareness, some perspective. That’s what getting in your body actually does. constantly choosing to relax. In the moment you know, you’ll notice your shoulders might be a little tense, you know, might have exercised if you’re lucky enough to have a core, your your core muscles. There’s a very deceptively simple technique that will reverse the domino effect of your reactivity. And that is to simply change your posture. Be aware of how you’re sitting, how you’re standing, what your facial expression is, what muscles are being tensed, just literally and physically relax.

folding your arms is not good. What about when you put your arm like when I listen to you talk For instance, I’m kind of have my hand on my face. That’s nothing wrong with that. Is there nothing disrespectful about? I do that all the time? I think it’s I mean, that’s intense listening. I’m always very focused. I do that.

Yeah, I do that too. That’s a I do that sometimes at home and enjoy it. We’ll say you’re you’re taking the therapist stance, like, that’s therapist posture, you know, that the the hand just kind of propping up the temple? Yeah, exactly. Yeah. And it’s my way of really engaging like, I’m, I’m there and I don’t know what that is. A lot of us do it, you do it, I do it, I don’t know. But it’s, it’s a way for us to, I think be very conscientious in our engagement with what the other person is saying.

Like, I want to remember something or cross my finger like this, because it’s focused energy. So if you tell me something, at its, you’re going to notice it. Now sometimes I’ll cross my finger, whether it’s

really Yeah, say more about that. So if I’m saying something, or someone’s saying something that you want to remember, really

want to remember, I will, I will cross my finger. like kind of like, you know, when you put your finger behind your back as a kid, you’re like, Yo, take the trash out, you think you’re cool, because you crushed your finger like that is I was taught that. In North Carolina, when I was on the road, there was this friend of mine that was like, Yeah, I always cross my finger when I want to remember something because you’re focusing on the finger, and you’re focusing on what they’re saying fingers and what they’re saying.

Very cool.

Yeah, it’s really weird that I do that. I’m a weirdo. I know

when I’m shooting sporting clays, like a man who has coached me has has said that you, you know you don’t look down the barrel through the sights necessarily for a shotgun, because it’s not how it works. And you got this clay pigeon shooting through the sky or running like a rabbit along the ground. And he says to, you know, extend your handout on the stock for me, I’m left handed, so it’s my right hand for you, it might be your left to right, we’re both left handed. So we’re both we’re both literally in the shotgun pose right now. And you extend that right hand up the up the stock, and you point oh, because your eye will go wherever you’re pointing. So you don’t even have to look down the barrel, you just point and you look at the bird, you never have to look at the gun again, just point at it, and look at the bird. And you want to be you know, maybe 12 inches or so in front of it. Because of the way the I don’t know what I’m talking about the trajectory factory job and and you and you’ll be more more likely to hit it.

So imagine could you imagine listeners who are like professional,

someone is going to Texas and be like, literally be like you show ridiculous. Idiots. Stick to what you know, which is nothing. And stop talking about what I know

field industry magazine is gonna do right upon us garden and

gun. Better. Oh, gosh. So other things to take into consideration with reactivity is to is to know what you’re feeling. This is another emotional intelligence skill, emotional self awareness. What’s going on in me right now? How powerful would it be if you’re in a meeting with someone who might be a supervisor or manager or someone who’s superior to us? And who’s getting a little heated? And all of a sudden, she’s like, You know what, wait one second. I want to push pause. Give me a second. I need to figure this out. And then she comes back and she’s like, You know what? I’m angry. I’m angry because of this. I was pointing it at you. But it has nothing to do with you. It has to do with this. My apologies to you. Let’s join our minds and figure out this. How powerful would that be?

I would think oh my gosh, this is an incredible leader.

So powerful. You’re vulnerable, aware, intentional, honest, and unafraid. Label your feelings. recognize what’s going on, you know, we tell our kids use your words. We use our words,

but my wife tells me a 33 year old male who cannot communicate not that I can’t communicate. But sometimes I’ll get my words, you’ll be like, What are you trying to say? Use your words, use

your words, your words, it will help you reclaim your power to choose how you want to act and how you want to feel and what you want to say. In light of what’s going on labels. Use your words, that’s very powerful. Another thing is to use what we talked about before that rule of charity, where you’re listening for what someone is saying, and for what is true about it. You’re making the other person right? Not only are you open to being wrong, you’re making the other person right. Find out what might be true or write about what they’ve said. And focus there. Think that’s a really, really powerful way to change your mindset pull your thoughts together. Another thing how many times are we gonna say this? I think we should say it every podcast. I think maybe this should be like a part of the theme of the podcast. Sure. Don’t take things personally. Yeah, definitely should be reactivity takes from it comes from a highly elevated sense of personal investment. I don’t know why the guy drunk coming toward the turning lane was personally invested in what was happening other than he might He owns the road, or because it was his green light, and he owned that space for a second. I don’t know what that’s about. But something had gone on in his life or in his day, that had led him to being very personal, personally invested in everything going on. And you know what, I’m not saying don’t care, I’m just saying, reclaim your brain. And don’t allow things that don’t matter to have power in your brain. And as a result in your life, you know, your amygdala, in this part of your brain that’s translating feelings and thoughts all the time, it gets put into overdrive in times of frenzy, your chaos or tragedy, or trauma or crisis or conflict. And we have to do our very best to reclaim that hijacked amygdala by breathing, by shifting our perspective, and by remembering our skills and using them. So when you shift your focus, you’re no longer focused on the thing. You’re focused on yourself in the midst of the thing. How do I want to react about that? How do I want to be proactive rather than reactive? What do I want to think? What do I want to say? How do I want to feel I can’t do that, if I’m so personally invested that now I’m just in a defensive posture. So you want to take a step back, take your breath, reclaim your brain, and make sure that you are clear that this doesn’t have to do with you personally, even if something’s coming at you. And it’s intended to be taken personally.

Whenever I want to start doing a thing, so Megan, when you listen to this, if you’re upset with me, and you say something, I’m just gonna look at you. And I’m gonna say, I love you. What if you do that to people sort of being reactive? Yeah, there was like there

about that. This wasn’t my idea. Well, I don’t think there’s anything new under the sun says Kehillat, the teacher in Ecclesiastes. But yes, it’s original to you actually have a quotation about that I wanted to share with you at some point, but there was a commercial, I don’t remember what it was for. And that brilliant marketing, I have no idea what product you want me to buy. But I remember the commercial. When there was a problem. It was in the produce section of a grocery store. And the woman just looked at the person said, thank you. I don’t know what it was. They didn’t like her. They’d done something. She had done something they’re mad at her. She just looked at him and said, thank you and smiled. Disarm. Yes. So wonderful.

Don’t ask me what book I’m reading.

I wasn’t, I wanted to talk about understanding how we think. You just You just made yourself last did or sorry. I want to talk about understanding how we think and making sure that we push pause long enough to know that what we’re doing is the right thing. I want to give everyone the gift of this the pause button. When you’re watching your favorite show for you Medal of Honor, or homeland, or we’re watching a million little things.

So is it good? Oh, my gosh, do you cry yet?

Of course you do. Why? You? Of course, you know me? Of course I do. But there for good reason. I mean, you know, it’s funny, because in all these shows that I watch, I mean, I could I could name all the shows that I watch. And they’re, I would say 90% of them involved, someone has lost a parent, which of course, is my experience. And so all that, that dynamic and that richness and that conflict and that sadness, it comes out in so many crazy ways and people’s relationships, friendships. And yeah, you watch the shows that are now so beautifully written by people who are vulnerable. I mean, the show, writing is so different now than it used to be on a feud. I’m sure everybody’s noticed that I’m the last one. But it’s very different now. And yeah, it gets me. So whatever you’re doing, whatever it is that you’re watching, you have the ability now, when you have the urge to maybe use the restroom or get a drink or let the dog out to push the pause button, what does it do? pauses, stops the action. And you’re able to do what you’re saying. Anything you want. push pause, give yourself the gift of a pause button. If something’s going on, and you’re about to light it up, you’re about to send that angry text. You’re about to let someone have it. You’re about to yell at your child. You’re about to yell at your spouse, push pause,

don’t yell via text, don’t have a serious conversation via text. Tell him Dr. J, please.

I agree. I think textual conversations and communication should be logistics only.

Absolutely. What’s your address? Here it is. So I can click it and it goes to my map. Or love you or see you tomorrow. Yep, no serious conversation

confirming our meeting for 9am tomorrow. Yes. Not going to say what it’s about not going to get into emotionally charged debate. not going to get into it, it is not helpful. And you know what people are doing everything via text. They’re starting relationships via text or dating apps, paying for things, and ending relationships via text. Really? Oh, guys, that it’s terrible. Sometimes it’s hilarious to read, but it’s terrible. So, yeah, I wanted to make sure that we remember and give ourselves the gift, especially especially during a holiday season. Regardless of what season it is, as you hear this holiday season is coming. A time when you will be spending time with people you don’t see often is coming. political conversations that you do not want to engage in, are coming. Questions about your spirituality and religious conviction that you don’t want to participate in either are coming questions about sexual ethics question, you name it, those conversations and experiences are coming. And if you don’t have a pause button, and all you have is a play button or a stop button, you’re either in it to win it, and someone’s going to get hurt. Or you leave. stonewalling, withdrawing, and there’s the stop button, push pause. It’s nothing to say up. You know what, I’ll be right back. Please. Excuse me, I just need to use the restroom. or blame it on the cell phone? Or you know what? Give me one second to think about that. You said something interesting. I want to think about that.

And then stuff your face with food. And slowly chew so that you can formulate a thought

Oh, I thought you’re gonna say like, feed your emotions. stress eating? Yeah, just stress eat slowly say all the time at home. We’re watching. Yeah, it is hilarious. We’re watching America’s Funniest videos. Yeah, the night one of our girls. would stress would hold on. No, you totally would. Absolutely. And no, I didn’t cry watching that shift. Not Not every time. So I want to say a word about being wrong. You said something a minute ago about? Well, I guess what I said was an original, you know, just say I love you. It is original. Here’s the beautiful thing about being wrong. As it relates to creativity. When you prepare to be wrong, you have the potential to be original. If you never think you’re wrong, you will never be original. Creativity always brings the risk of being wrong. And you have to be wrong a million times until that one time, and then you just created something new. That’s true, not only in business, and entrepreneurship and inventing, and tech, it’s true. Also in relationships, be willing to be wrong, and watch what is born out of that.

I’ll leave that right there.

There you have it. So Nathan, do you see yourself as a reactive person? No. Let me ask again, Nathan. Do you see yourself as a reactive person?

No. Okay. No. Used to be working on it. So can I say if you’re working on it? No, I don’t think I over I don’t think that defines me a reactive person. Do you?

Do I think that you’re reactive? Or am I reactive?

At first? Do you think that I’m reactive? As someone who’s around me a lot? You’re gonna say? Yes.

I think there are moments. Yes.

I think there are moments.

I mean, we’ve committed to authenticity. And

I sure I’m glad this podcast is about over I know.

Once again, this is just us talking. Yes. But yeah, there are times when people do, you know, silly things, and we want to do silly things back to them. But that’s

in the the office that’s during executive conversation.

Exactly. Oh, I agree. I agree. Maybe that’s not a true definition. But yeah, I would say that we I know that I have moments of reactivity. Absolutely. I think every human does. It’s just what do you want to do with it? One of the best things I’ve learned is to use the pause button. It’s very hard, but I do it. Another great thing that I’ve learned is to manage it physically. There is this thing that happens in us when we are stressed at we may have talked about this before, but when you are trying to start a lawn mower, if you’ve primed that little bubble too many times the lawn mower will flood. And as a result, it’s got too much gas and it won’t start well. That’s what happens in the brain is it shoots itself with cortisol and anxious times. And the brain can’t think so we can’t speak we can’t make rational decisions. And we have to wait until that flooding kind of subsides and all that cortisol drains off and we’re able to think again right? So that’s that’s what we call diffuse physiological arousal.

That is so wild that that actually happens in our mind. It’s crazy.

Diffuse physiological arousal is when we are in that flooded state. And we cannot control ourselves and the best thing that we can do is to rest we have to give our we have to physiologically self soothe Just relax. Push, pause, calm down. And remember, your goal is to be the least anxious person in the room.

I appreciate each of you listening. All four of you listening today to this podcast. Does that include you? Yeah, yes. So there’s me. Your joy and your mom, you said your mom was listening, right?

Yeah, I think she used to. She fell off a while ago. Seriously, thank you to all who have who made this a part of your life. I don’t think you know how truly grateful we are. That you would give us that honor because you could fill your mind and hearts with all kinds of things that you choose us. Is is such a gift to us. Thank you for joining us. On this episode, our 20th of your training. See you next time.