Ep 28 – The Child Within

Before you hit record, I think that we should talk about the incredible experience we had together the other day.

We are recording it hasn’t changed my mind. Okay. Fries are made let’s talk

about the middle school that we got to go to college. You middle. How many seventh graders? Do you think were in the room?

I don’t know, how many. How many. Do you think I’m terrible?

I’m terrible at guessing 200 I would easily there are four of us in the room and there are only two. Let’s say there are 200 I have no idea.

Well, their sixth graders, seventh graders and eighth graders, they’re the school is massive, I would say less 200 in each class. So let’s say there’s 207th graders. Just go with it.

So Nathan and I had the opportunity to just very silent quiet today. It’s because I’m it’s it’s I’m exhausted.

Saturday, Dr. Carroll and I did an incredible Wreaths Across America event. And I picked him up and he was bell to bill on Friday. So I’m talking for you right now I’m looking him in the eye with just such confidence. Seven to 730 ish on Friday. He didn’t get a single break. And then I’m in his driveway first thing in the morning on a Saturday as a dress up in a suit and a bow tie and do more stuff. Thanks for picking me up. You’re welcome, man. I know that you’ve been slammed.

I just left a car at my office because I was I was done. It’s okay. Anyway. So

when you’re done, you just yeah, you just sit when

I work really late. When we’re going to go eat together, Joey will come and pick me up, which is so kind. And she did we went down. So it was a bit of a thing. And rather than go all the way back to get my truck, she just took me home. I

could just see like melting, like disappearing.

It’s not untrue. Yes. So we had the privilege of talking to middle school, college, middle school, in our area last Thursday, eight o’clock in the morning, a room of 200 could have been 2000 I don’t know, seventh graders. 17 112. And we were warned, look, they’re going to be tired, and they’re not going to pay any attention. And you know, of course the teachers are spot on about that because they face it every day. But to our surprise, and to theirs. These kids were incredibly attentive and respectful. And, and when we had our little q&a or, you know, like to say q and r not q&a questions, their responses. I know it’s so cute. Well, because I don’t want to presume that I have all the answers. That’s that’s good. But I do like questions. Yeah, they were they were engaged. I mean, they were more questions than we had time for. So we had to overlook some, which was always difficult. But it was a wonderful thing. And then the next day, I got this box of thank you letters, and there had to have been 200 Hey, that would be one way to figure it out.

Let’s count them. All right,

we’ll do that. That’d be good. There were I mean, he’s a box full of letters. And it’s just such a such a sweet, thoughtful gesture for every single student to write even the ones I’m sure he didn’t want to. They did and they were all completely respectful and some of them were very funny. Some were very moving some

are extremely moving a special thank you to the administration there is Shawn and Marlon and and all the teachers who who invited us to come and speak to they they invited us get this everyone they invited us because they are currently listening to and you can specify this better they’re currently listening to people who are had created a movement if you will, of the JFK. The Martin Luther King Jr. is people who have really stood behind something kindness and inclusion and, and acceptance and really push that movement forward. And they so happen to not only listen to their speeches, but the teachers are introducing the you’ll die trying podcast. how humbling is that Jay? I mean, that’s incredible. It’s

awesome. Miss Shauna Mullen created this lesson for the about the power of speech. Brilliant. Really? Yeah. It’s and for them to be listening to our, our podcast. And I mean, that’s just crazy, especially alongside the likes of like real. Right. movers and shakers, right. Martin Luther King and JFK. By the way, I saw your socks the other day that had JFK on them. Did you get them? No, because I was already getting some that had hand grenades on them. But I thought the JFK socks Cool. I’ll probably go back.

That’s awesome. Like, I have to share one letter in particular that this student wrote and I’m paraphrasing phrasing it because it’s not right in front of me. Because Dr. Carroll didn’t bring all the letters. It’s okay.

Yeah, sorry. I didn’t anticipate us being here today.

Yeah, but aren’t you glad we are? Yeah, I’m taking sunshine. I’m here and the windows it feels good. This letter sorry that it is this letter.

I’m impressed. I’m impressed. You’re definitely on it today, you brought yourself right back around.

I’m really excited. I’m excited to be here with you this letter to that we read, Dr. Cara was reading these letters on Saturday at two on the way to the event. He was like the kid in the backseat. And one letter he wrote, read about, the student said, after I left, I didn’t fix my hair. And I only started fixing my hair because my friend did. But I’m not my friend. I’m me. And when I didn’t fix my hair, no one looked at me any differently. Now, this is a seventh grader. So like not fixing your hair is a really, really big deal. Right? Let’s be very honest. Because when I was in seventh grade, every piece of hair was in place it had to be and then he said, or she I’m not sure exactly that they weren’t gonna fix the hair tomorrow. He was a he, he was gonna fix this hair tomorrow.

Because as they heard from us, what other people think about us is none of our business. None of our business. So these letters have, they were asked to kind of say, what was the most inspiring thing you heard? Or what was kind of the Golden line? Or, you know, the, the the main takeaway, and a lot of them were things like, you know, what, what people think of you is none of your business, it’s important that you be yourself. What are some of the other the golden lines that you remember, you said,

eat the frog first, you know, like, no one wants to do the hard thing, they always put it off last and that another one, wrote a letter saying that that stood out to them, too.

It’s pretty cool. The frog, and some of them would say things like, you know, home life is hard. I know the power of bullying and the power of depression. And it means a lot to have somebody come and say and look at us and say you’re a person. And you matter because you’re a person. And I don’t have to know you and your story to think that you matter. Because you do. And you have to believe that, you know, it’s that was very powerful, very moving,

it was good for for me to see the youth the future, you know, of our community. Yeah, you know, to hopefully instill some sort of excitement to be better versions. And I think it was great, it was really flattering to be able to go there really was

we we took a selfie we’ve posted we’ll post some more on our social media sites. And at the end of this episode, there’s a contribution of that whole 200 Plus member, seventh grade class of college view, and you’ll hear it at the end of this episode.

That was that was really, really awesome. And one of the really cool things also was the drawing. Yeah, a drawing of Dr. Carroll and myself sitting in our stools, we were sitting at the 50 yard line, if you will, of the the gym right in the center center court and had these bleachers filled and someone took it upon themselves to draw a picture of what they what they saw.

Yeah, you can see it on our social media. It’s a it’s a background, like a watermark of a happy face. And then two people sitting and talking and the thought bubbles over their heads. And it’s very, it’s very good. We’re gonna frame

it. Yeah, we are gonna frame it.

But you suggested that it brought to you the idea that we should be in touch with our, our inner seventh grader.

Yes, there is a child within all of us, right?

Yeah, so the inner child, the idea there is that the the first self of us that kind of entered into the world contains our capacity to experience wonder, and joy, and curiosity and freedom and gladness and pleasure. And that that slowly but surely gets like being beat out throughout the course of our lives, and the role of the adult, is to learn how to parent, the inner child in us, which I think is pretty powerful. And you know, that that’s, that’s the thing. And when I when I talk to people at my practice at the clinic at the montgomery when people say, you know, so they’re so angry at their parents, you know, they’re 40 years old and angry at their parents for this and that, and I understand that there’s real pain there that has to be addressed and treated. But someone once said, by the time we’re old enough to blame our parents for our problems, we’re old enough to do something about them ourselves. And of course, blaming someone doesn’t do anything. It just freezes us up and keeps us stuck in that process of, of not taking responsibility. So I always say, well, our job is to parent ourselves. Once we learn to forgive and free our parents from having to parent us. It’s our responsibility to do that for ourselves. So you’re a parent, I’m a parent, I have a seventh grader. You will one day you have three. And it’s important that we know what it means to be a child and to recognize that very much. There is still a child in all of us.

I like the did you notice when every one of them are walking in single file pretty much some of them kind of caddywhompus but yeah, it was almost like this each one had a little bit of intrigue in their face and and that you that youthful intrigue and and wonder that you that’s the right word. That is a beautiful thing. And you said before that you’re talking about how things get beaten out of us over the course of our lifetimes. I mean, how do we, I think we need to be a little bit more gentler on ourselves and allow us the opportunity to be filled with wonder. And to have a little bit more fun. You know, it is way too serious sometimes in this workplace that we’re in or in this relationship that we’re in, it’s oftentimes too far too serious and far too almost burdensome. You know, we carry so much weight, and it’s hard already, but maybe adding a little allow yourself to add a little bit of wonder a little bit of excitement, kind of? I don’t know, I think it’s I think it’s important.

Yeah, I think when we take ourselves too seriously, we actually end up denying and neglecting the child within us. And we’ve done that for so long that now we think you know, being playful, and having fun and literally playing is a mature mature. Yeah, yep. When the reality is, if we’re not in touch with that part of ourselves, we actually just, we’re denying some of the most positive aspects of ourselves. And ironically, growth movement forward requires us to be in relationship with the that child in us. So maturity requires playfulness. Less seriousness, actual play, wonder curiosity, you know, delight, the things that we used to do in the middle of the room, and I was watching and we weren’t self conscious about it. Until finally someone you know convinced us or we convinced ourselves that we needed to be self conscious about it. Yeah. What are you self conscious about?

Me? For some weird reason I was just thinking about dancing, but I love to dance. So terrible, but you dance. Yeah. The last night if we call it that, well, you the last gala or however you want to pronounce it. We were at you. You were dancing. You enjoy your dancing. You didn’t care.

Listen, my wife is dance since she was child. She’s an amazing dancer. Probably why you’re like really? Like legitimately an amazing dancer. Yeah. So I mean, I’m not I’m no dummy. If I’m not out there on the dance floor, whether some other idiots gonna try to be out there. Whether so I’m not. I’m not leaving that unattended. And, you know, she’s really unembarrassed. In fact, it’s the opposite. She kind of enjoys the ridiculous pretty that’s not a real word.

But aren’t you gonna bear that? I’m not embarrassed. Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. You’re not embarrassed whatsoever of your dancing. No. No. Which is good because I laugh hysterically. It’s so bad. I’m not Do you always end up dancing with me though?

I think bad dancers flock together.

I’m not a bad. That’s that. I’m not a bad dancer. I’m just like, Oh, okay.

I wouldn’t know because I feel like we have to drag you out on the dance floor.

That’s my point that I was saying like, I don’t know why because I am actually a relatively good dancer. I love to dance once I get going. Ducker almost spilled his coffee, like it was really bad. I

just did it twice. I don’t know. We don’t need a coaster. You know,

that’s fine. Okay. I don’t know why. But I do need to be cold. Like I didn’t dance. Aaron Aaron, my brother and Hayden. My sister in law’s wedding. Why? Because I’m a dummy.

Well, I did a little bit. Your wife would love it if you would get on the dance floor with her. I know that for a fact she

dances and I go and dance with her rarely. Well,

you stand floor side with your hands in your pockets.

I’m not a pocket hand guy. Cross your arms across. Are you positive? Or are you just saying that?

I noticed that the other day when we were talking at college View Middle School, that when you talk you, you were you hold the microphone in your right hand. And then you cross your left arm like this. Like you’re almost like, where you feel? Were you nervous? From a body language perspective,

there was one point I was nervous. Because there was one moment I felt really off because I allowed myself to. I don’t wanna say disconnect. But disconnect. Yeah, because I had other things popping in my mind. And something came, but you took over because like you do and helped that situation. Yeah. It all stemmed from when I was trying to make a joke. And Dr. Carroll took the bit in the stick. He calls it from the podcast and in real life. RL. In other words, if you’re shortening a text, oh, that’s what that means. Aurel Yeah, okay. Well, I don’t I still don’t know what SM H means. That means shaking my

head. Okay. Don’t miss him FH just still mean shaking my head.

Okay, good. Well, anyway, you made a use. We were talking about being a funeral. I was just gonna skate by it. But you’re like, we’re not talking about funeral director. And I was like, Oh, I’m terrible. I’m dumb.

No, that was stick.

I know. I know. We talked about it afterwards because I got I got but that threw me off for a minute so that but I do

In this picture that joy took of us, you are it’s in from a body language perspective, it looks like you’re consoling yourself. I probably was that might have been the moment like nervous, like, I need to hold myself to keep myself Can people really do that? Yeah, really? Well, sometimes, you know, men will stand with their hands crossed in front of them when they are hiding something. And they’ll be blocking their, you know, their, their innocence, shielding their privacy, because they’re hiding something.

So in other words, we never trust a man whenever he’s crossing his arms in front of you talking

unless he’s a groomsmen and the wedding coordinator told him that he needed to stand with his hands cross in front of him leftover, right?

So you’re saying, I, if I stand like this, like this? My hands are essentially hanging down.

You could be feeling insecure. Or you could be hiding some What if my

hands are behind my back doing the same? Is that different?

That tends to mean you’re much more open, not not as worried about what other people think about you.

So the funeral director in May, the later in May? Where do my hands go? Because whenever I’m working visitation or funeral, I put my hands behind my back. Yeah, a lot that

says that you’re open. Okay. Welcoming, unafraid, confident of the job you’re doing.

Yeah, so but whenever you’re in front, that’s not good. So that’s not

good or bad. It’s just and it’s not a one to one, it just could mean got it. And so you have to watch and you have to be aware of the context. Like I said, like at a wedding. You don’t have six groomsmen up there who are hiding something, although they probably are. Because they all went to the same bachelor party. But it could also be that they’re just told to stand that way. We were told to stand that way. Leftover, right? Yeah, I’ve done I don’t know, a million weddings. And every time I am organizing, you know, the way we start the rehearsal, because I’m a 30 minute rehearsal guy. Good. So you get in, you set up like you’re going to be halfway through the wedding. Like we’re going to be at the vows. So everybody needs to look like how they’re going to look halfway through. Men. Zipper check. That’s for us a real thing. Keep your knees loose. Another real thing.

Have you seen somebody go out? Absolutely. What is it sound like? It’s,

it’s normally there’s someone there who can help kind of, you know, cushion the fall, but it’s not pretty.

Why do people pass out? Are they already nervous? Yeah, people hate

a lot of people hate standing in front of other people, because they feel like all eyes are on them, which of course nobody right attention Exactly. For men, groomsmen, you no one’s paying attention to anyone really other than the bride but and that’s how it should be. But there’s nervousness there’s, they normally either have had too much to drink. So they’re dehydrated, or they haven’t had enough to eat. So they’re, you know, they have low potassium or low blood sugar. Or they they they lock their nice thing that legit causes circulation problems and it shields the blood returned to the brain and you have that responsive passing out and they get this really terrible look like their lovely face becomes a little bit green. And they go out and eat right? And then they just start to wobble a little bit. And it’s like, that’s gonna happen and if you can pay attention, so I’ve always been aware, like, I look at all the faces of the groomsmen and bridesmaids at the rehearsal. I tell them I’m not kidding. This is a real thing. During the wedding, I’m checking in, like when the bride and groom are having sweet moments. Like, I’ll look at each one being like, are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay? Because I want to know, because I don’t want that to happen on my watch. And it never has, thankfully.

Good. Yeah, that’s I watched before Megan gave birth, I watched a montage of the dads. Oh, watching the birth, just the the the dads and they’re hitting the floor in the hospital in the doc. All the doctors are like, Oh, they’re just totally ripping on there. Have you

seen that? Experiment when the guys were given? Like a machine that electronically mimics contracts? Yes. And how like, child like the men become and women are just like soldiering.

Bring it on, and men are screaming and yeah, it’s insane.

Women are having children and men are like I have a cold. That’s the same thing. That is the same thing. The point of all that was to say context matters. So if you’re standing at work, or you’re at a wedding, your body posture might not mean something. But if you’re confronting someone about a concern that you might have, and all of a sudden you notice their hands come out of their pockets and they cross themselves or they cross their arms up

at their child. That’s not a good that’s not good. Like

this. Yeah, you sit like that a lot though. I think that’s because you’re Yeah,

that’s a comfort thing. Like if my body’s really like right now I’m, I just cross my arms and surely come from my mouth. I’m like, leaning into this mic like it’s, yeah, it pillow,

one of the college view students to teach you that. Oh, that we need to not have our mouth so close to the microphone and our podcasts. I love that. It’s like hey, we’ll take all the criticism and get so now my mouth is as close as it literally can be. Sounds good. So watch your body Language is interesting that you know, you just ask yourself like, am I uncomfortable? Am I like, do I need to hug myself and my comforting myself? Or am I nervous about something and just kind of relax back to the inner child? Which by the way that all relates? It

does relate? Yes, I felt like it all worked side by side with. Right. Back to the inner child. Okay, you want me to keep going? Yeah. Okay, I’m trying to think is do you? Do you have like a moment within your inner child where? How do I word this,

but like you made you cross the threshold?

I think maybe that’s what you’re what I’m trying to say.

I think the child in US lives forever. Yes. Okay.

That’s what I was talking about.

You know, What’s hard is that we believe that we have we successfully outgrow the, the child in us and all the emotional baggage attached to that. But it that’s, that’s completely untrue. What’s sad is that the child doesn’t experience the grown up in her little self, but the grown up can experience the child and her grown self. It’d be nice if it went the other way. I wish I knew now what I wish I knew then what I know now that but I think one of the most important things is that we get in touch with with the part of ourselves that still childlike, you know, this is this is an important part of the philosophy of Jesus, who brought this messy haired, wild eyed, bubble blowing kid into the midst of his all adults, you know, scholarly community of Pharisees and, and the like and says, Look, if your faith isn’t like this kid, then you know, you’ll never enter there’s no room. Yeah, there’s no room for you because faith requires wonder. Faith requires curiosity. Faith requires delight. Faith brings about pleasure. It’s not about facts, numbers, bottom lines, and seriousness it is. It is a wild goose chase, which is why the Celts, the ancient Celts, Scots Irish folk, called the Holy Spirit, the wild goose. I did not know that. There is no catching her. She goes where she will like the wind.

While she’s like the wind. I knew someone was going to sing either me or you. And it

was I hope it’s one of us. Someone else.

I I was thinking of physicians mutual, who we partner with in our funeral homes. They offer our families. This is an insurance. Yes, death benefit insurance policies specific for the funerals. They are based out of Omaha, Nebraska. And the facility is immaculate. I mean, it’s just nice gated area and a beautiful, beautiful building. And all the employees from my they invited me to fly there and they treated us they they’ve cooked us dinner, not they the CEO took us and cooked us on the grill himself. Anyway, my point is, is they have they have played bass. So they will shut down their office of 600 plus and outside on their grounds. ball pits. Inflatable slides. What what’s it called? Where potato sack races? Yeah, they have those races, all for the adults. Yeah, cotton candy machines. Because they understand the child within definitely matters to be productive to be happy. Yeah, it’s pretty awesome. Right? It is.

It is. I think that’s great. I think they also need a an EMT and ambulance on site because I would break my head. Yeah, I mean, it’s recently I got on one of our children’s little outdoor board type things. You know, I don’t even know what it’s called. Really? Yeah, it’s that twisty board that you add on. No, but anyway, I got on it. And it was on ice and I thought this would be cool. I’ll slide down the driveway. On this thing on ice. No. Did you hurt yourself? Yeah, well, not that. Yes. It’s landed right on my hip. Pretty sure though. That’s so funny. Was it funny when people get hurt? But not like really hurt? It’s why we like America’s Funniest videos. Those embarrassed me. Really? Yes. You get embarrassed for them.

I get embarrassed American I don’t get embarrassed. Oh, she burned cute. Oh, baby, but you move.

But the reason you know that is because he was so bad. It was He was good. It was awful. Yeah.

What was his name William or hung? Well, I don’t know. You’re gonna Google it.

I think it was William Hung.

I don’t know who it was. But it was really funny. And he sold a lot of records of that.

Yeah. And and yeah, William James hung, but his name is Hung Chung, which is a he’s Hong Kong born. Former singer. It says on Wikipedia. Oh wow. who gained fame in early two. 1000 for so long ago, I hope he appears on where is he now? You know, I love those VH one, where are they now?

I love those. Yeah, it’s fantastic. I really do. So what are you going to do today? Tomorrow the rest of this week to kind of, to, to kind of embrace to acknowledge the child within and just say, hey, you know what I deserve? I deserve to not be so uptight, serious, serious. Yeah. Be filled with wonder, because I really like that word. I think that’s a great word, Doctor girl, to be mindful of the fact that you deserve to actually have a little bit of fun. Yeah. And it doesn’t have to be about stats and graphs. And you know, all that stuff that you just talked about, right? Thank you could be something that’s,

I have, I have the habit of playing with. When I have clients who are teenagers, there’s play involved in therapy. So I have a nerf hoop that I put up in my clinical room. And some kids will only talk, if you have agreed that you will, you’ll play because it’s distraction doesn’t seem as serious. So we’ll play horse, you know, the basketball game horse where you take a shot. And if you make it, tick, same shot, don’t lose it, I get the letter age and you play through the horse for those of you have never played. And before the either of us gets to shoot, we have to ask each other a question. And so it starts out with like, Nike or Under Armour, pizza or cheeseburger, you know, orange juice or Coke, that kind of thing. Then we get into what’s the last thing that you remember happening at home that made you cry? Or when’s the last time you felt like you had an explosive rageful episode because your sibling frustrated you are. And so we get into therapeutic conversations the entire time that we’re playing basketball, or I have a client who is a baseball player. So in the spring, summer and fall, we’ll go out back of my office, and we’ll throw a baseball, I’ll have my glove, I have a baseball, keep it there. One time he broke one of my windows, it was hilarious. So we’ll just throw, we’ll just throw the ball. And we’ll talk the entire time only person

I know that would laugh over a broken one. Yeah, yeah, that’s insane. No big deal.

Or will, you know, little teeny kids will talk to you via puppets. So I have this box of incredible puppets that that joy had when the girls were little. And they will put on little puppet shows. So I have the sofa designed so they can get behind it. And that’s the puppet stage. And they will tell you everything about themselves with a puppet and nothing about themselves without it. So play brings out parts of ourselves that I think we don’t always have access to. When I used to have, when I would consult with businesses and congregations or when I was a pastor, we had board meetings or retreats, I would always bring playdough markers paper. And before we did anything after the, you know, initial intros that we would play, we would have them sculpt things or play that game cranium that involves sculpting involves drawing, accessing different parts of our brain, you know, and utilizing parts of ourselves that we haven’t longtime and getting in contact with our child, inner child acknowledging, accepting and and playing with our inner child.

I never knew that about about you. In regards to getting involved with children in such a way that’s really neat. It’s fun. It’s in it’s pretty admirable really, man, thank you for that. So I encourage you and I know Dr. Carroll does just be gentle on yourself and have fun. You know, don’t take life too seriously. You’re never going to get out of life. That’s a real thing. That is a a very real thing. However high up the ladder you are you’re never too mature or or successful to have fun.

Right? Yeah. Oh, and again, excuse me, I want to make sure we say a special thank you to the you who are who are listening in. It means a lot to us. And if you haven’t yet, today, do something playful. And if you have children, do something playful with them, because it is such an amazing way to connect with people. Play games with your spouse, play games with your colleagues. Take the time do they do what it needs, do it as needed to play get in touch with that, that you who is still there, and who needs to be shown some attention.

We appreciate you listening. As always. I am Nathan Morris.

I’m Jonathan Carroll and these are the students of college View Middle School. Thanks for listening