Ep 36 – I’m Not Okay Part 2

Yeah, I’m, I am actually in the process of I’m in the process of admitting that I don’t like being in public without people while dealing with the grief of some very sad times at the funeral home with families that were caring for, yeah, so it’s a very sad time. Right now with young death.

Yes, infants, infants, young adults, young adults,

and I go home to my infant son. You know, it’s, it’s not easy. This is not an easy profession, and not even the profession, the life that we live, it’s not easy, it’s not easy. And be kind to the people that you’re walking beside, because they’re struggling to, you know,

what needs to happen, though, to be able to move forward and to trust people, someone one person, whether it’s their spouse, a sibling, a parent, a professional, what needs to happen for the break down, so that we can have the breakthrough?

I don’t know that answer. For me, it was, for me, it was seeking professional first, right, and then from there, because I’m very choosy with my circle. I mean, I used to not be, and letting of everyone in anyone, and everyone gets you burned. And especially if someone is going through a very tender time, moment, they need trustworthy people, persons. So I think being conscientious of who you allow in your circle is crucial.

And this is a major deal for me personally, because, you know, my, my circle is so tight, it’s it’s practically a dot, you really do have a tight, tight circle. And, and that doesn’t necessarily feel good, I’m okay with it, I’ve come to terms with it a little lonely. Yeah, it can be it can be. And I think, you know, thankfully, I do have a partner. And that makes a world of difference. But when when we have something that we want to share, that’s either beautiful or, or, or tragic. You know, when you have that tight circle, there are fewer and fewer people that you feel like you can go to, like, it is hard to go to other people with our celebrations. There isn’t because there’s I don’t know, there’s a weird, I don’t know what it is. But people are not typically happy for other people when they’re happy. We’ve talked about talked about that. And we are very aware of that dynamic. And so we tend to not put people in that position. And we just kind of celebrate with gladness among ourselves, when we’re going through a tough time with a child or you know, some vocational stuff. That the same thing. People like to see people hurting people like to see people fall. So it’s very hard to trust that you know, invulnerability with someone, hey, I’m feeling a little insecure, a little bit unstable, a little sad about this or that. So we tend to just, you know, do that with and for one another. But what I’m realizing is, I still have room to grow in being able to be that open with both the celebration and the sadness, even in my tight little dot with, with my, with my wife, like, I still have so much room to grow. You know, Joy is so great, because she’ll ask me, like, after maybe I give a lecture or something. And they’ll say, Oh, if she she’s always there, which is amazing. But if I’m out of town or something, she couldn’t be there. So what did they say? What did they say? And I don’t want to say I don’t want to say people were really kind that was well received. People said, I don’t want to, I don’t want to do that. But that’s the one person in the world that I should be able to do that with and I can, it’s just hard for me because of my insecurities and not wanting to, you know, say nice things about myself or whatever. And the same is true when they’re I’m carrying something heavy. I tend not to want to let her share that burden. We walk around a store, I want to carry all the groceries, I want to carry all the boxes, the bags that whatever. She’s like, let me help let me help. No, no, I got it. I want to carry it all like that is a perfect metaphor for what I do emotionally. Like no, no, I’ve got this, you know, I no want to burden you with it. Don’t worry with it, you be free. I’ll carry all this stuff. And at some point, you realize that it’s too much like I, I might be strong but I’m not that strong. And as a result of not being vulnerable. Turns out I’m not strong at all. I’m actually quite weak. Because vulnerability is true strength. Daring, to be vulnerable is the root of true strength.

So us admitting that We’re not okay. to 1000s of people is okay, string, it’s a start,

it’s a start, it’s a start of strength. But we need to go farther into into our spaces with the people whom we trust and be real about that, like, you know, the things that you wrestle with to which you alluded a moment ago. However, briefly, those things need to be shared with someone whom you trust, the things that I carry, I need to be sharing, you know, those more openly than I do, and not carrying them around and pretending like I’m the lone ranger, and I can handle it, you know, I’ve got all that like, No, there’s no value in that. Why? Why do we think there’s value in carrying things alone?

I don’t, I really don’t have a good answer for that.

It’s the what is it? The myth of the rugged individual maybe? Well, we’re not. We’re not rugged. And we’re not individuals. We’re not islands. We’re connected? And if we don’t recognize that and utilize that, we cut ourselves off at the knees, I think. Yeah. It’s very painful for other people. So I’m realizing, in my work, as a therapist, that I have to continue to encourage not direct, but encourage other people. To be honest, I didn’t say to just be honest, because I don’t want to minimize it anyway. Because it’s hard. But be honest. If not, with no one else, at least with yourself. Once you’re honest with yourself. It’s easier to be honest with other people. Yeah, we lie to ourselves constantly,

all the time. All the time.

It is maddening to me,

but also, there’s a line for me because I’m wanting to say I speak things into existence. That makes sense.

I think that’s true. Yes, we will say something we call it into, right?

So if I’m having a bad time or a bad things happening, and I’m like, oh, it’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. There’s that line, right? Because, no, that’s not going to be okay, this situation is terrible. I just totaled my car and my insurance isn’t gonna pay for it. And I don’t know how I’m going to get to and from work, and I don’t have the funds necessary to obtain another vehicle. And I needed to be safe enough to put my kids car seat in the back. You get my point? That’s not okay. That is stressful. And it’s sad.

Yeah. Right. And yet we are loathe to share that stress and sadness with another human being right. As I say we I mean, I think I speak for more than just myself.

100% confident that you’re speaking for a large majority of the listeners, and that’s okay.

Yeah, so the, this, this call to vulnerability, it’s a mandate to being real. Anything less is a facade, and facades cannot stand up. When the tough gets going. When the winds start blowing the facade is the first thing that goes, yep, solid stone, that stands the veneer. It’s gone. Because it wasn’t made of anything. It’s not real. So I am aware that my own task toward authenticity, a word that I think I should probably stop using, because I’m not doing it justice, personally, is is that I have to recognize, and then articulate my own struggles with that, and hopefully others listening will recognize that you know what, I’ve been lying to other people, or I’ve been lying to myself, I’m not okay, I don’t feel great about this. I don’t like this. I’m not happy in this. And I’m ready to make a change. And I might need some support. And I’m, I’m entrusting myself to you, like I want everybody within earshot, to be able to have at least one opportunity to say that to themselves, and then to take the leap. And once you make the leap is when the net appears. You never see the net until you’ve already made the leap. But you’ve got to do it. We I’ve got to do it.

I think it’s pretty incredible that hearing you say having an authentic moment and saying that you’re not, you know, 100% good right now. Right? Cuz I’ve never heard you in our few years of friendship. Yeah. Have you saying that? I mean, you’re mister. When I say Mr. Your therapist, and you’re always on and you’re always available, and you always have the right things to say and you have to be that for everybody because they need you. They rely on you. And so that’s the weight that you carry. Actually love you more for you here and you say that thank you. Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for sharing that well

after 18 years of pastoral ministry where you’re really not allowed to be yourself. And you have to do That painstaking false work of being like a race and taking on the shape of what other other people want you to be. And you spread that across four or 500 different people. And you do that for almost two decades, it’s really easy to slide back into that familiar pattern. The thing with Familiarity is, it doesn’t matter how awful it is, it’s yours. So yeah, this may be a dump, but it’s my dump. And I’m going to stay, even though I know I have other options. familiarity breeds contempt. They say, that’s a part of what that means. So I want to not slide back into that old familiar pattern of trying to please and to be perfect, but to allow my scars to show and to not shy away from that to just, you know, tell the truth.

I think you’ve opened a lot of people’s eyes today to help them realize that being off is okay. Not being okay is okay.

I’m not okay. With not being okay. Yeah, so my growth is learning to be okay with it. Right. But I’m not yet. And I think the maybe that’s a part of why I’m able to be with the beautiful, beautiful people I get to be with every day. Because neither of us is or none of us is really okay with not being okay. And we just, we just wrestle that out, you know, for 15 minutes at a time. And we figure out, okay, I know what I need to do. I know my at least my next step. You do that over time, and you’ve just, you’ve come a long way. And you can look back and say, Wow, look at me now. But I can say after years of doing my own work, my own inner work and therapy, and because to be a therapist, you have to obviously be in therapy, years and years of doing that in various settings and having some of the best teachers in the land. And some of the best places best schools in the land. I still struggle. So that could be bad news for me, but it should be good news, really, for all of us.

It’s great news for everyone.

We’re all just novices. We’re always only beginners. That’s the first I think, principle and the rule of Saint Benedict. We’re all only beginners, no matter how far we think we’ve come.

I love that. I appreciate you sharing today.

Thank you too. It’s a it’s heavy, but it’s important. And I want to make space for people to think about what it would mean for themselves to be vulnerable and to tell the truth. The joke of it, the pain of it, the beauty of it, the tragedy of it. Tell the truth. Be vulnerable. Stop you’re hiding. You’re only hurting yourself.

After this episode, press pause, get on your phone, scroll down to somebody that you absolutely love that you need to talk to and give them a call and say, Hey, this is what I’m struggling with. This is what’s going on right now. I promise you it’ll probably feel a lot better. Back to you look a little bit more light lighter. A little more light.

Thank you. Yeah,

I had to throw in one stupid statement on this. So

thank you, to you. You’ll die trying podcast listeners. As always. You’ve made our day

you have I’m Nathan. I’m Jonathan. I’ll see you next time.