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Ep 43 – The Wound Part 2

I think this is an important conversation. And I think I do want to kind of circle back around to vulnerability because I think this is a powerful kind of way into that conversation, because it’s not just about letting down your guard and telling everybody about who you are and being honest, and that’s not all that vulnerability is, you know, I think vulnerability is to some extent owning up to the fact that we might have these impulses. And maybe those impulses aren’t very good ones, I can tell you for a fact on a personal note, that there are occasions when I feel that urge that you just talked about that kind of protector thing. And there seems to be something innate in me that and I think this is probably true of a lot of people, not just males, but I definitely know it’s true of me, there is this inherent call to action, when I believe that someone in my tribe, by which I mean, my wife, and these four girls, is in danger. We have been in many, many big cities, whether it’s been Chicago, New York, or Paris, or whatever. And we I have observed people observing my family, because, you know, it’s, it’s not unusual, but it is distinctive, it’s very distinctive, that’s good word that there’s a male, and then five females. And they’re all together, like there’s this gaggle of children, all of whom are girls, and I get a lot of comments, and they’re, they’re lovely, and it’s sweet. But I also noticed people noticing, and I think it’s kind of my role, and I don’t, I don’t set out to do it, I just recognize it. And there have been two occasions that I can think of, where I have felt there is a physical need to separate a potential threat with my family. And without even thinking about it, I just slide my body in between those, between them. And that, whoever that might be, and I don’t think that there was ever any real threat. Oftentimes, it has to do with mental illness or drug and alcohol use, especially in big cities, when you have people who don’t know boundaries and but didn’t matter, there was something in me that innately slid in between my wife and these girls, and that person. And it wasn’t a matter of thinking, and it wasn’t a matter of, of masculinity, and it wasn’t a matter of aggression. It was an automatic response to this kind of perceived threat of some kind. And I do think that that’s, that’s a part of, of my makeup. I am aware of that, though, in the sense that I can’t go around seeing people as threats. Were taught to be fearful when I was growing up, and we go to big cities and school groups, they’ll always say, Never look anyone in the eye. That’s the dumbest thing ever, never be a human because it’s it’s perceived as an act of aggression. You know, and that’s true of some canine species. I’m not sure how true that is of people. But you see it all the time. I mean, if you’re, if you’re in a larger Metropolis area, and some of you who are listening are you’ll notice if you look up most people aren’t, they’re not looking at that made me think of the article that was released about this is really sad that 20 The young woman who took her life, the dietitian or she she was a, a food, you look it up

talking about the chef, recently, a young woman and her suicide note, it said she’s gonna miss was making eye contact with complete strangers.

Obviously, it had held a lot of weight to her and probably too many that that interaction with people was actually a blessed one. It’s very sad, it’s actually very sad that, you know, someone felt that they were alone and so lonely. So with that being said, if you or someone you know, is struggling with those thoughts, there is help, there is most certainly help out there. So and we can give you that number if you would like to, to have that. And I think that’s wise. Again, if you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts or needs help, whether it be a therapist, or by calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255. Again, please don’t remain quiet. Please have yourself or someone that you love call 1-800-273-8255 Please lend out that hand. It is absolutely normal for people to think about their lives ending. Because it becomes a huge concern when people begin to think about how to plan for that to happen. Absolutely. So don’t feel scared, please, to talk about it because it’s completely normal. It’s when you start to really think about making it happen that it becomes a fear of people who love you and who wants to take care of you. And so let’s let someone do that. The last 40 Wow, Episode 43 The last 43 episodes I feel that I’ve grown as a human so we talked about vulnerability to today and And we’ve talked about previous podcasts ago friendships and coming as you are and something that hit me with the episode with Brett and we’re so grateful for Brenton, and him being here with us was, you know, with this I was talking about with this podcast, our hope i’ll speaking for you, but I think you agreed with me. Like becoming vulnerable for me to acknowledge the fact that we are putting this out there. And thinking and feeling and hoping the things that were are in hopes to bless, encourage, inspire, cause someone to think my point is, is I have a huge responsibility, just like you who are listening have a huge responsibility with the bubble with the world that you are in to be the best version, the best possible human, for yourself and others. And I am, I’m really excited about that, you know, people who aren’t necessarily vulnerable, I don’t think have that realization, because they feel that they need to maintain this. I don’t know, this facade. I don’t know if I’m making my point. But I’m really excited. So if you don’t know what the heck, I just said, the past minute and a half, just know that I’m excited that I’ve realized that it’s okay to not have it all together, it’s okay to just realize that, you know, my hope is to help myself and others be better. So what do you think it is about vulnerability that is hard? Like I get the whole, you know, walls and self protection and self preservation, and I get that, but what’s really going on? I will tell you this, from the standpoint of the musician, and me being vulnerable, is when I wrote some of the most incredible songs, like the, you know, songs that were nominated, the songs that were placed the songs that were played all over the place. I don’t, I don’t know. I don’t have as hard of a time with it. I just don’t want people maybe people don’t want to take that mask off. And I think you talked about that. Yeah, we didn’t even have the podcast, this mask. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that relationships always benefit from vulnerability. Something I’ve learned from living alongside my wife is that she really want that’s all she really wants. It’s never about material things. It’s never about money. It’s never about anything other than she just wants to know me fully. Which, you know, it’s pretty humbling that somebody would think that way. But yeah, that they want just, they want to know, like the ins and outs of what makes you work and makes your mind tick and makes your heart beat. Like that’s very humbling to think someone thinks so much of you that that’s what that’s really all that they want in that relationship. And I’m, I have to say, I have not perfected the art. I am a very slow learner, when it comes to this surprises me. I mean, for somebody who’s like, really quick to say, Oh, I cried during your Queer Eye or whatever show?

Yeah. Yeah. It’s a great show. Yeah, well, I mean, it just is it’s, you know, there are certain things that I think about during the day or quandary that I find myself caught in intellectually, emotionally, that it’s not that I’m not I’m intentionally not sharing things. I mean, I think that’s true sometimes. Oftentimes, it’s just that I don’t think too. And that inside of that is a problem. Yeah, I wouldn’t think to do that. Because it comes across as a failure to trust your spouse, who is saying, I want in Please let me in. I’ve let you completely in. And then I’m like, oh, no, no, you’re totally in. And then there’s something like, oh, yeah, I’ve been thinking about that for a long time. Why haven’t you shared that? It’s like, well, either I didn’t want to I didn’t think to in both of those are kind of lazy and lazy him. Yeah. So I’ve really learned that it is a virtue that to, to be loved in that way. And I think vulnerability itself is a kind of virtue, I don’t think we do anything for ourselves, male or female, by pretending that something that is happening, isn’t happening. It we only hurt ourselves. So what ends up happening is we actually become weak by not being vulnerable, because we protect what in us is broken, rather than expose it to the light which heals. So we end up becoming weak as a result of our failure to show vulnerability. When most people think that showing vulnerability is itself weakness. It’s the opposite. Vulnerability is strength. Period.

I’ll be vulnerable right now and you want to hear you’re ready. You’re gonna share it anyway, aren’t you? Yeah, I just wanted to get the affirmation. I’m really I’m, I’m nervous. You see us it was my legs crossed. See where my knee touches my leg right there.

Yeah, there’s this My bald spot on my calf. So much better. Yep. can leave that out there. You can put it in your pocket.

Take it home with you. Okay, I’m better because of it. Good. Good. What else do you feel the need to wrestle with as you try to become more vulnerable self? I I still am the 13 year old teenager that wants people to like me.

You know, we like being liked. How does that? How does that hurt you? To not be liked? No. How does Oh, it definitely takes away the takes away. And you too? How’s that third gen

it takes away like instead of let’s save it. Let’s talk about like a go into an event go into an event for instance. Oops, sorry. I didn’t mean to knock your phone out of your hand. Oh, you’re good. Dr. Carolyn, we’re over. You’re playing footsie? No, the golden event. For instance, instead of being mindful at the party that I’m with the table might be looking around and not being mindful the people that I’m actually are investing their time in me and with me, as I look through the crowd to see who may or may not like me, and I think I’ve referenced the crowd and stuff before. You’ve talked recently about how you like to talk to people whom you don’t know. And you don’t like going out much these days, because of all the people whom you do know, Cara Lee. Yeah. And all of that seems to me to be wrapped up in your anxiety that people are thinking about you a, and they’re thinking negatively about UB, just so y’all know, I’m crossing arms now. His arms are crossed, his legs are crossing the full closure is ridiculous. So you know, I think first of all, you be very welcoming of the news that most people aren’t thinking about you at all. Thank goodness. And those who are aren’t thinking negatively about you. And those few who might are probably doing so because they want something that you have, like my shoes. It’s my double buckled shoes. The double monk strap. I guess that’s That’s correct. But it could be it could be any anything. It could be a kind of intimidation. It could be one of those things, as we’ve talked before, that people seem to not be happy when other people are happy that people like to inspect could just be curiosity, like, you know, who’s in the zoo? Are we or are they? But at the end of the day? Who cares? Like really, I don’t say that flippantly. But really, who cares? Who does? Why does it matter? I don’t know. And it sounds like you are shaping some of your interactions on the basis of that absolutely. Anxiety, which gives other people nameless and faceless people who have some unspoken threat or desire to hurt you in some way socially, or otherwise, a lot of power. And it takes power away from you making you weaker. You know, the root word of vulnerability is fullness which means to wound. Hmm. This is I think, in part why people are afraid or are reluctant to show vulnerability, because it is a gaping openness to harm, which is what a wound is gonna stick that in a pipe and smoke it right there. There’s this wonderful text where Jesus says, I have not come to bring peace but a sword. And everyone’s like, wait, what? You’re the Prince of Peace. You can’t bring a sword. That was my Jim Gaffigan impression. It’s good. But I think what that means is that it’s one of those wounds that has to happen in order to in order for healing to happen. It’s like the sword inflicts the wound. That itself can only be healed by vulnerability. We have to wound ourselves we have to open up our closed office in order to let healing come which comes in the form I think of community, whether it be with a spouse, with children with friends, coworkers, family. So a word to you Nathan, I want to challenge you this Your homework is your takeaway. Okay, get my notepad. I want to challenge you to consider all the facts and decide for yourself how much power you’re willing to give everyone else and if you thought of that power, like people Think of money. How much money would you be willing to give them? If you had 100,000 bucks? Would you be willing to give them 50,000? In order to walk into a room and fear what they’re thinking about you? Probably not. So why would you give them all your emotional energy? All you have is what you have. Can’t make any more. So turn your eyes toward what you know to be true yourself, your family, your own life, your commitments, your values, your virtues, your passions, your goodness, and your brokenness and allow people to think what they will because they’re going to anyway, nothing you could do to change it. And enjoy your life. And those who want to look from the outside in. That’s fine.

You’re welcome, ladies and gentlemen, you are welcome. We started talking about a topic and then became a therapy session about me so that we can redirect. That’s okay. That’s okay. Yeah, okay. Dr. Struble is true of me too, in one way or the other. So I struggle with it too. As I said, I’m a slow learner. It’s not too much other people but a great dresser. What we wear is important. You always look good, man. Thanks, man. I’m very casual. I still want that red shirt. Just saying to the cleaners. Which one? Which cleaners? Yes. Concord downtown Owens. Is not there

anymore. Ladies and gentlemen, your way yes, you all are loved far more than you’ll ever know. Until next time, I am Nathan Morris. I’m Jonathan be vulnerable or diatribe.