Ep 45 – Dreams Part 2

I want to acknowledge something that’s everyone that’s listening has noticed, you asked me and mine was business oriented, I asked you and yours is most certainly first and foremost family. So I want to make, I thought that we were talking, but I want to talk about that if I’m gay, that doesn’t make me a bad individual. I literally thought we were discussing from a professional standpoint, but yeah, personally, a dream, I think is happy is for me to be happy. I want to be happy and all encompassing is is with my relationships with my leadership, at home and at work. I want to I think happiness is a is a huge desire for me. So I’ll just ask Is that bad that I was assuming that we were talking about the business aspect?

You know, me I don’t tend to, to traffic in goods and Bad’s and rights and wrongs, just where you were in the moment and to where I am in the moment? I don’t? Yeah, I don’t think one is better than the other. There’s different for me. I know that from a business perspective, and from the businesses that I’m operating. They do better when I do better at home. Yeah. So I was just having this conversation with with someone else that if I’m not going to be or if you’re not going to be disciplined in this particular area of your life, the chances are, you’re not going to be disciplined in any area of your life. Yeah,

I agree with that. So

if I’m, you know, eating McDonald’s every day, which you know, I would love to do love that. But don’t, then it’s probably true. Also that I’m not in the gym. Well, I can’t be in the gym right now anyway, because I have these sutures in my leg, which during the podcast studio, gosh, would you remove these after this episode? No. I mean, I can’t actually. Yeah, thanks. You can use the stuff that you’re holding your mic stand together with? No, that’d be really nasty. But anyway, I so I’m not able to do that. So my routines are off, even though the gym wasn’t a routine yet. But in my mind, I want it to be. And then, you know, I’ve got some parenting mishaps. And so, as a result, you know, oh, then I noticed, oh, look, my filing isn’t what I like it to be at my office, or I’m not where I want to be in this particular project, doing a custody evaluation case, or I haven’t attended to these parenting coordination cases, like I want to today. And we this is stuff that happens all the time, everyday, it’s constant. And if I’m not disciplined in one area, every area suffers. So I want to focus on my priority, my priority will always be has always been, and is my, my family. Everything else stems from that for me.

Wow, I love that. That’s a reminder, for me, that’s a reminder for all of you who who are just workhorses, and tend to maybe go there mentally or even physically, you know, working six, seven days a week. I mean, for the longest time, I don’t remember how many days how many years, it was, up until recent. I was I was literally working every day, every single day, I was never home. And, you know, that was a hard, it was a hard change to make. So maybe that statement that I was making is stemming still from the recovery or the relearn the rewiring, if you will, yeah. Anyway, I think that’s great reminder to be that priority needs to be, you know, the family, the family dynamic, and and that will then affect positively or negatively the other stuff.

Well, and so we’re talking about dreams, and now we’re talking about family, and I know that in every family, there is conflict. Yeah. And a very powerful, masterful way to get at conflict, let’s say in a marriage, is to ask your partner, your spouse, what dream we’ve talked about this before, what dream is inherent in this conflict for you? What dream is being deferred, what dream is being disappointed, what dream is being frustrated, what dream is being shattered, in this conflict. So if you have a dream of, of operating this business, and owning these locations, and having this, you know, large staff that’s doing all this great work, and this is meaningful for you, and then you encounter a conflict with your wife, in this case for you, where, you know, maybe there’s a frustration about how you’re spending your time or not getting off early enough or didn’t get to show up to somebody’s game or whatever. Rather than just recognize, oh, I’m doing what I need to do. You’re doing what you need to do. We’re not matching up and now someone’s mad at somebody. A great question would be What dream is inherent in this conflict? And whose dream is it? Have we communicated about that? And what is happening to it? Is it being deferred? Is it being stepped on is it being shattered or what’s going on? You it’s a way to humanize each other in the midst of conflict. And you’re able to say, Okay, this isn’t just you’re mad at me, you’re I’m mad at you. There’s something that’s happening in the emotional process between us. It’s not you versus me, it’s us taking on this frustrated dream. And if you haven’t even communicated that dream, or you haven’t touched base on it, or recently, or you haven’t connected around it recently, then you’ll forget that their dreams are inherent inside every conflict. Does that make sense? Yeah. So either a principle is being violated or boundary is being broken or dream is being frustrated. And it’s really important to just kind of ask yourself, which is it? And what do we need to do about it together? On the same team? We are not enemies? Did you

all have a pen and paper for that? And you need to probably rewind that I’m I’m definitely go back and read listen to that. That’s a very, very good question to be able to ask within conflict. That’s good.

So So now thinking about this, the dream? Yeah. What however, you would describe it you who are listening. And you Nathan, what is it another question? What is it that one year from now? You will have wished that you started today?

Oh, what is it? This isn’t?

Yeah, we have to we have to diagram this is? Do it again. Ask it again. What is it that one year from today? One year from now, you will have wished you started today?

I don’t know. I don’t know.

There’s a quotation about this somewhere. And I can’t remember what it is. But basically, it’s like a year from now you might be wishing you started something today, like kind of something like that. That’s not it. So I’m wondering what is it that you want to accomplish in the next year, that one year from now you will say I wish I had started it that day when we talked about that, but I didn’t. Because today, you have the power to start it?

Yeah. I’m just I’m thinking yeah, no, thank you, Tom. I’m Oh, I thought, no, wait. That’s kind of a rhetorical question. Does it have to have an answer or response?

Yeah, because rhetorical questions and podcasting don’t really go through you taught me that when you were beating me up about Silent moments

up. I wasn’t beating you up. I was I want you to answer for me. I’ll not just say that I’m going to start right now. And and having that we don’t.

Yeah. So I Why don’t we?

Because we’re dumb humans.

So what’s something that you would like to accomplish? And have done by this time next year

have regained all power? From everyone that I give it to tyrants

and dictators and presidents and prime ministers? Oh,

no. You know what I mean? emotional energy, emotional energy. You know?

Okay, how would you let me ask you this question this question I asked a lot.

Ladies and gentlemen, the doors to the therapy session room have been closed. And here you are a fly on the wall.

Let’s go. Here’s the question I asked often is the miracle question. Right. I’ve probably asked you this before. So imagine what imagine the problem. Right. So you just said, I would like to have taken all my power back. So the problem presumed in that is that you don’t have all your power. You have DVDs divvied up? Yeah. Right, just like a game controller. And everybody has power over your character, right? Your avatar, who happens to be yourself, alright. So there’s the problem. Other people have your power. What you want is to get that power back. Let’s say that you go to sleep tonight. And you wake up tomorrow morning. And unbeknownst to you, as of yet, a miracle has occurred. And the problem, as we’ve described, it is no longer a problem. Healing has happened. And it has been fixed. The problem is no more. You wake up. How do you know? How do I know? How do you learn that a miracle has happened? And your problem is no longer your problem. From the time you wake up, I don’t I don’t know that answer. Because if I here’s that’s that’s that’s exactly right. If you don’t know the answer, then that means you wouldn’t know when the problem got fixed. So how can you ever really work on it? Because right, you don’t know that it’s not a problem anymore, which means now it’s a perpetual problem. Correct. Speaking of problems in marriages, specifically, scientifically speaking, 69% of all, conflict within marriages is considered perpetual problem, meaning it’s not going to get any better, leaving only 31% to be resolved. So, you know, you may always say I don’t care when we go to eat, she may always say she wants to go to McDonald’s, that may be a little bit of a conflict, I would say that’s probably resolvable. If your partner is voting in a particular political party and you vote in the other political party, that’s probably a perpetual problem not going to be resolved. They’re not always that clear. But it’s always either resolvable or perpetual. But 69% a huge majority, is considered perpetual. So we have to learn how to accept one another, understand one another, and allow each other to be who we, each of us are in relationship staying connected, but remaining distinct, separate and equal. So perpetual problems are, are they’re obviously by nature not going away. How we deal with them, is really important. So

how in the world it was awesome episode of, of dreaming,

we’re still we’re gonna we’re gonna come back around. Okay, so how are we letting know if your dream is to take your power back? How would you know if a year from now that had happened? I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t right now. And so they’re there. What is my exercise? That’s such a clue, right?

What is my exercise? mean? I’m not sitting around. It’s not all all the time with everyone. It’s it’s situational. There are moments and I guess it stems from this desire. I’m in a profession where it is a pleasing profession. Yeah, it is they people World Service, constant service Service with a smile service with the answer is always yes. If it’s legal, if it’s ethical, the answer is yes.

And service leads to survey which leads to satisfactory understanding, which leads to retention.

So that all those things that you are saying eloquently, are what I’m thinking generally, and it rolls over into my personal life.

So if you borrow Yeah, in a miracle, I don’t know the answer. Well, tell me

something that happens to you, that bothers you, and makes you think, Oh, everybody else has all my energy. Everybody has all my power. Not everybody. Somebody has somebody.

Just the the constant availability, this idea that people think that I’m available to them at all times all the time, because in the funeral profession world, there is the on call. Yeah, it is it is ladies and gentlemen, I mean, you are available 24 hours a day to a family. So if the director on call is available to someone else, then they probably assume nonstop that I am.

Well, and everybody I think tends to perceive herself as the hub. And all the service staff as the spokes that lead to and from that hub, when really the service staff is the hub. And all the people we serve are the spokes. So there is this kind of inadvertent, probably accidental reversal of the dynamic where people think they are at the center. And they are when they are being serviced. But really, the serving staff has to be at the center. So they can emanate from there and make sure that everybody has what they need. But so when I think I’m at the center of the universe, and I’m not getting my way, I can write a really nasty Facebook review, or Yelp review, or Google review, and tell people well, this place is terrible, because I can make all these really rationalize excuses for why I didn’t get what I believed that I deserved, when maybe it wasn’t legal, wasn’t ethical, or wasn’t even doable. But it doesn’t matter. Because don’t confuse me with the facts. I’m just going to have a rant. Right, right. And that’s what people do when they’re grieving. And you’re always serving people who are grieving always. And you like ministers who were doing weddings and funerals, see families at their best and at their worst, oftentimes within the same 20 minute period. And it’s very, very difficult to navigate that and to mediate that it really

is, and, and I think that is the that is that is the the thing for

me. So we have to develop boundaries, by which we are willing to stick. And we’re willing to say here is the line I’ve drawn. And I’m going to be as helpful as I know to be within these confines these parameters. But beyond here, lie dragons, like the old world maps used to say, I can’t go beyond this line, because I wouldn’t anymore be serving you. I will be either serving self or just trying to get rid of you. Right. So as long as I stay within my property lines, and you stay within yours, we can come to the fence and we can meet we can plan we can do our service and you can feel served and I can feel accomplished but I will not have gone into your space are you into mind doing that creates that kind of nasty, sticky codependency which makes everybody think that they’re dependent on one another and then when you are no longer there for me or for them or they’re not there for you. Then all of a sudden you feel rejected and you get mad and you know that this was this is life of the life of a minute I can tell you that from personal experience and perspective, people believe that they own you. And that you work for them. And so you’re going to do what they tell you to do. And when you say when there are 500 of those people, right, it’s very easy for you to feel like a schizophrenic maniac, right? So you have to have boundaries and what does what are those 500 people want you least in the world to have? boundaries? Boundaries. Yeah,

yeah. Hey, you just mentioned about reviews and positive and negative reviews. While you’re listening. Ladies and gentlemen, please be sure to give us a five star review. Be sure to subscribe if you have not done so yet. Please open your iTunes or your app. Sorry, your apple podcasts and click that five star. We would really appreciate that. But yeah, I am going to work on the boundaries. I wrote me I really I really am Hey, me, too, because we’ve we’ve implemented admin day. Yeah. So there we go. You know, it just it’s it’s little bit by little bit, and we’re letting you me personally, right now, I’m letting you all in on, you know, the struggles of of leadership and business and the world that we are in of serving and service, Dr. Curl, you know, with your world of being in ministry, that you you know exactly what I’m referring to you understand it, you just, I feel that you’ve done a really good job of kind of overcoming that

well, and changing my career is a big help of that. Because you

are available to a lot of people or so people think and I’m speaking for you, and you can do jack, but Well, there’s

definitely a culture now where there is a recognizable boundary between therapist and patient. Right. Whereas pastor and parishioner, you are a quivering mass of availability. And the congregation believes that you are always available too. So that creates that kind of really icky codependency.

How many times have that now? How many times were you invited to people’s dinner tables as a pastor?

Oh, in the course of almost 20 years. Yeah. You vows? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Which is so beautiful, right? I mean, that people, it’s such a holy thing that people would invite you into their families, you are you who were once a stranger, are invited into the most delicate sacred spaces of a family’s life. Births, baptisms, deaths, funerals, weddings, family conflicts, you know, the best and the worst of them, you love them unconditionally, and you hope that they love you unconditionally to and then you remember, don’t forget you work for them. And there’s that whole weird dynamic I was just talking about. But you really do love them. At the end of the day, though, what I struggle with, and I wrote about this once, I struggled with the fact that it felt a lot like that I was, it was believed that I was paid to love people. Wow, that isn’t that was not coming from me. But there were people who would make it clear that you know, you’re just saying that because you’re my pastor or you but you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t a minister or, and you know, they there’s a word for that when you are paid to love someone. prostitution, and that’s kind of how it felt sometimes. That’s the word. Wow. That’s how it felt

some how many times is a therapist? Have you been invited to your, your clients? Dinner Table? Um, probably a lot different.

It’s very different. Yeah, there, those boundaries are there. And, and patients and clients know that that’s a valuable, and therapeutically significant aspect of that relationship. Therapy only works, it’s not technique, its relationship, if we don’t have a relationship, if we don’t have a rapport, if we’re not connecting, it doesn’t matter how brilliant technique or methodology or modality is, it’s not going to be helpful, right? If the relationship is there, I can be a really lousy technical person. And I can have lousy methodology, and you’re still going to walk away feeling like there was something about that that was redemptive. Yeah, because it’s all about the relationship. So it’s therapeutically significant that the relationship happened within the confines of that space. So I always tell people, if I see you out in public, I’m not going to say anything to you. Because I want to protect your confidentiality, but you are always welcome to say something to me. And if you do, I will absolutely talk to you. But I don’t want anybody to come up to you and say, Hey, how do you know him? And then your confidentiality is at risk. But if you come to me and say, hey, I’ll Hey, introduce you to my family really good to see you. I may say, Oh, this is somebody I met, you know, once when I was bowling, or this is somebody that I knew, you know, back in my church days, I won’t tell anyone how I know them, but I’m happy to talk to them, but I want to protect the confidentiality. So it’s really important to know that that relationship stays within the confines of a room. Well,

that’s awesome that you do this. Do you know what episode we’re on today? I’m going to guess it’s 45 it is episode 45. That is incredible. 45 episodes have been brought to you with the intention and hope to bring encouragement, maybe a different

perspective. There we go. There we go. That’s some love. Yeah, love love. It’s full

and not love because we’re being paid to love love because it’s genuine. Definitely not being paid. Yeah, definitely not at all.

So we have dreams. We all have conflicts, those two things marry, we need to ask ourselves, where’s the dream within the conflict? We need to ask ourselves also, what do I want to do a year from now? And what would we say? If we went ahead and started today? And remember Lao Tzu. Remember from way back Lao Tzu? Maybe when I thought it was loud, yeah. Allowed. Xu. Lao Tzu has said, the journey of 1000 miles begins with a single single step. So today, one step.

So when we into this episode, I am going to start continue rather Reclaiming my power. That’s, that’s what I’m going to do boundaries. So the answer is no. Everyone know, or ignore button.

It’s a graceful. It’s a graceful thing to say no.

It really it’s so life giving. Yeah, sorry, or great, great thought. Send me an email. You keep saying we keep referring back to that because I’m just a dummy.

All right, single step. I know today, step one right now. Thanks for listening. I’m Jonathan. I’m Nathan. You’re going to reclaim your emotional energy and set up boundaries or

I’m gonna die trying till next time.