Ep 62 – Telling On Myself

Welcome everyone to you’ll die trying live from Guadalajara. We are on location. Nathan Duck Duck shooting at us. We’ve upgraded our sound equipment. Well, it’s not even funny. We’re sorry. We just talking about other podcasts that we’ve heard recently and how sometimes the sound equipment doesn’t work, maybe like we want it to.

Yeah. And anyway, we started cutting our mouths and it sounded like we’re in a tin can somewhere in the corner. So we just yeah,

we think we’re funny.

I think we’re all there. Yeah. I’m reminded that I’m not.

I’m reminded that I’m not as what I think you are. So Oh, thank you. I think you are too disfigured. That was very funny. Well,

this is episode 62 of you’ll die dry podcast with Jonathan Carroll and Nathan Morris. You are most welcome here. Check out this jam driver made. Nathan, tell me something about yourself can be funny story.

A funny story laugh today.

It’s Friday. At least. This is Friday.

Yeah, it is funny. Yeah, I was playing in the championship game and fourth grade fifth grade. And there was a this isn’t really funny. That’s not funny. I just I was just gonna say like, it was a thing called the wall taped against the wall. And everybody all the cheerleaders sign their name and stuff. And I went and saved the ball. You know, hit my head ran into the wall and got knocked out and didn’t really Yeah, you have a concussion? No. It was on it’s on VHS tape to it really happened. Wow. And then match drill in that game kept telling me not to shoot, because he’s a cool, dude. I mean, he was a great point guard. And every time he was like, No, and I drill it, and I was like, he was like, okay, okay.

Did you play basketball? Yeah, I did. I did, too. What position did you play? I was I was I was a forward big for number four position. Number three little forward. I was the fortune five big forwarders center. You were Yeah.

Well, yeah. See, I did it make the basketball team at Catholic High. got mad.

So you had to go to a boarding school to get home. I went

to Owensboro High School and tried out and made the team.

Did you really? Yes. You did some time at Owensboro high school.

I did some time at Owensboro High School. Wow. I

didn’t know that. Yeah. What year


I mean, what grade? So freshmen? Just the one year one year and then I went back to get on that team again.

I didn’t play anymore. Really? Football. Okay, kicked. Yeah. Yeah.

I loved basketball played basketball, baseball and golf. I didn’t play football. Because when I was 11. You know, October 4 1986.

US me sorry.

I broke my arm. Bless you. Thank you. And so I didn’t play football anymore. Even though I was number 50 for the Deep Creek Redskins broke my arm first play of the first game of my life, which also happened to be the last play of the last game of my life. So I play basketball, baseball and golf instead. I do not want to ever play golf. Like first round. I scored a 129

I don’t even know what that means. It’s really, really bad. Okay,

I don’t think it gets much worse.

I don’t even know what that like. I love watching the videos of the golfers getting mad like throwing their tired entire bag of golf clubs into the water. You know, that is funny. That would be me. But on all time golf driver.

You know, I loved team sports because there’s a comfort and familiarity and being surrounded by your fellow players, right? Even baseball, I’m sending them first base. I’m all by myself. But my pitcher, my catcher, my second baseman, and my right fielder all within you know, throws length for me. But when you’re in playing golf, you’re playing in a foursome with three persons from other high schools, all of who are there to beat you badly. And of course they do.

Not like I don’t know what that means. But anything

in high school, you would want to score obviously, the lowest possible par for a course might be 66. It might be 72. But 129 is bad news. So anyway,

thank you to our first responders. Yeah, I have another funny story. Since where it seems this is where it’s going. I was on the baseball All Star baseball traveling team which by the way, we were we were good. It was a southern all stars, which

You played baseball too?

I did. All right. So after my tenure with all southern all stars, they actually went to the Little League World Series and so forth. I mean, I wasn’t on that team, but I was playing centerfield. I played centerfield. I was the pitcher and I was first baseman. I was playing Center at this game and it was a night game. And the next thing I know, a bug, a moth, something flew into my ear. It’s my right ear.

How old are you? 12 Okay,

so I’m literally out there. No telling what I looked like. And the the bug I could hear flutter around in my ear for the entire game. Gross. That’s like sounds of the Lamb. It was awful. Like it might still have Clarice it might still have children in there. Ooh, it was it was I was mortified. Dude. I was I was mortified.

Wow. So what position do you play in baseball more importantly, centerfield?

Okay, I’ll enter in first base. Okay. Yeah, no, I did not always play centerfield. I was first baseman and I would rotate depending on who’s pitching at that time.

We played first because we were left handed and loved likes long lead strat. So and then, so you didn’t play golf. But you did play some baseball. When you’re a kid. You played football and you played some basketball and soccer. Oh, you did play soccer? Mm hmm. I’d never played that game.

I wasn’t I was not a great soccer player. However, I was a an incredible defender, and very fast. That’s awesome. And my friends who are actually very good, Joel and John, and then Nick, who are good at soccer. Yeah, you know, they would always give me a hard time. But I literally

am embarrassed to say I don’t know one rule of soccer other than you can’t touch with your touch it with your hands. That’s the biggest rule. So we’re at that aforementioned soccer game in Spain. And I was like, I literally have no idea what he’s holding up a pretty little card. And people are booing and someone’s on the ground. And they’re all pretending like they’ve got broken legs. And

I have no idea. But it’s really fun to watch that too. Yeah.

It’s like watching the Oscars. So did you ever were you a prankster? Growing up? Did you ever do funny things to people? Like

not not? Not intentionally. I wasn’t that guy that was like, Oh, I’m gonna put a bucket of water above the doorframe and let it pour on them.

I was that guy. Are you? Yeah. Oh Lord, my cousin Chris. Chris Carroll. And I had these friends. His girlfriend was a twin. So he and she were dating and her sister and I were just friends. Yeah, cousins hanging around with these twin sisters all the time. So this is when we’re 16. And he had a little Ford Ranger. And I had my first car which was 1987 Toyota pickup, but it was the kind of Toyota pickup that you could stand still, and step into the bed of the truck because it was so little. So it’s not like a Toyota Tacoma or really like, you know, nice. It was a really small truck. And we had CBS and we would drive around our city on CBS, you know, breaker breaker, talking about each other. So we would always go to his girlfriend’s and her sister’s house and play practical jokes on their father, whose name was Donnie. Rest in peace. Donny, who just died last year. A wonderful man, hilarious, man. But we did the worst things to him. For instance, we got his new vehicle, grabbed his keys off the counter, he would go to bed, we would all hang out either in the pool or watch TV. We went outside, took the wheels off, put it up on blocks and put it in the newspaper as being for sale. Brand new vehicle. He got like 300 key if we listed it for like, we would get those in our town spy the rental signs there, those orange and white painted triangular shaped things with a blinking yellow light that indicates you know, don’t go here or you’ll die. Christmas close. We got a bunch of those and put them in our truck and we lined them up on his roof so that his roof look like a

like a landing ship for an airplane. What if an airplane had had a

fatal head tried to land on his roof as someone would have died and we would have probably gone to jail. But thankfully that didn’t happen. We we hit his garage one night because we were trying to tinker around with something and he found out and he put a water hose inside the there’s this little teeny window that was above where we could be but he had a ladder out there and he put a water hose in there. And we were in this garage was old garage, it was watertight. And he had locked us out. And he flooded his own garage just to get us guys the water came up to our waists and we were like thinking you know, we’re in the movies and we’re like, our mouths up at the very top of the water just before we know like we’re just before our death and we thought that was gonna happen. So ended up he he raised the garage door and all the water rushed out and we fail. We were crying and he was like the paybacks buddy.

Oh my gosh, that’s terrible.

We spelled his initials and his grass with gasoline. Which as you know kills it.

I’ll be so mad If you did that, because I’m about my green grass, well

hit me too. Me too. Now that I have now that you have it, he was so nice. He never like got mad at any of that he just couldn’t believe it. And half the stuff he didn’t even know we did. Because, you know, it’s like we were nowhere around. But we were in the dark of night. It’s hilarious. So ended up I went to a college that promoted pranks. Oh, outwardly, the chaplain of the college, who was also the philosophy professor, which was one of my, you know, fields of study, who is still alive and God help us may, in fact, be a listener. His name is arrow, roar. He was the chaplain and he encouraged people to play pranks. And one time, they took his students long before my time, took his jeep apart and reassembled it in the dining hall. And he said, you know, he encouraged pranks. And so he went into breakfast, and there was his Jeep Cherokee, in the middle of the dining hall, and there’s no way to get it out other than to disassemble it. Alright, guys, so one night, we all went around the campus and took every license plate off of every vehicle. And we stacked up in a large pile in the in the Oval, which was like our quad. And as you know, people weren’t able to locate their license plates.

And that was a disaster of finding out whose horses I wouldn’t know

my license plate is right now. So can you imagine Yeah, that’s awful. We had chapel the stories just roll Yeah, this is this is our daughter’s love these stories and they’ve heard them all but they’re like tell that one about the tale that one about the we at Chapel we had to go to we had a card. And we had to get it punched 21 times for a semester. So we had to go to 21 either chapels or convocations. And Chapel was like on Tuesdays and Convos. Were on Thursdays I think and you had to go to a certain number. So the chapel was this old kind of colonial style with hardwood floor hardwood pews, no cushions anywhere is very loud. So you drop a pin. Because you’re dutifully taking notes over a lecture or sermon or something, right? Everyone hears that you just drop that pin. So we went to the dining hall and we stole all the knives or the you know, the spreading knives, not the stabbing or cutting steak knives that we could and we put them in the hymnal so that when they said open your hymnal to whatever and let’s sing our first him for that chapel service or convocation, all you heard was thinking anything they mean anything can anything thing all over the chapel, because all 300 Knives just fell.

You were awful.

We ordered a pizza wants to be delivered, while the president of the college was delivering his lecture and paid the pizza delivery person a lot of money to walk straight down the center aisle in the middle of the service and say, Sir, did you order a pizza? Right in the middle of his presidential lecture? Do

you think it was funny?

He literally got out his wallet, handed the guy 20 took the pizza, put it under the pulpit and never stopped his lecture. That’s awesome. That guy is amazing. That’s awesome. He had some serious swag. He took us to Israel because he had studied in Israel. So he takes this we had to take a class studied Israel, archaeology of Israel archaeology of Egypt, and then we went on a month long trip to Egypt in Israel. He has these four bouquets of flowers in the bus leading from the campus to the airport. We’re like what the heck, these flowers this is pre 911 By the way, these flowers are for the ladies. In that case, it was ladies behind the desk for the airline where he would hand them a bouquet and say thank you so much in advance for what you’re going to do. I’ve got these 20 college students and we’re trying to get to Israel and would you please expedite this process for us? They walked straight past security directly to our gate like it was the smoothest process. We would we got to Amsterdam. We’re gonna stay at the Golden tulip hotel our rooms were not ready. Here they’re 20 of us exhausted trying to get home we’re gonna stay there for two nights. And so he looks them in the eye and he says we will be enjoying free food and drinks on you until our rooms are ready. Okay. And the lady like a zombie just hands him the stack of vouchers like Yes sir. Like he had this unbelievable power that’s in his awesome yeah, in his swag. It was very very cool. That

is cool. I was thinking of a childhood story that is like not even pranky but it’s like mine pranks were not pranks they were like putting inflicting pain on people so our things were like creating what we quote unquote called haunted houses it was we turn the lights off you know the the aluminum like metal closet doors that would accordion fold in and out and like when you hit a made a big dent in them. We would hide behind stuff. Remember that my buddies?

Yeah, my buddy Mike. Buddy, my buddy Yeah, buddy and me. Yeah, he goes where I go.

Yes. So it has a hard heads, we would take her hard head, we would take those Enlite our version of a haunted house would be to whack them on the back as hard as we could when they weren’t looking or hazy. Like, wasn’t that scary? It’s not scary. That’s painful watch. It’s about us. I’m surprised that none of us went to to the hospital and or die. Yeah, I mean, honestly, it was really bad. One time in Texas. We had a bus driver when we’re on tour. His name was Arnie. No joke. Arnie. Brent. If you remember, you remember this. Jay bro decided to I don’t know why this happened. We had the bus park at the hotel. And it was a new hotel. And I don’t know how we knew that the tank needed to be emptied. The tank is where you went number one, never number two ever, never on the bus and never know. Never

know. And those are four.

So we are sitting there and then JayBo hits the button. And I think there’s like 44 gallons of urine are are evacuated from the bus and into the parking lot. He was like, Oh, it’ll go down this. It will go down into the sir. It just sat there was awful, smelled horrendous and Arctic got. So bad, Larry. It was so bad. One time I was standing outside the bus. And I think it was again, it was Jay bro in Dallas talking to a couple of fans and I had to go the bathroom. Mm hmm. And Jay bro asked me, he said I’ll give you I don’t know how much he’s like five or $10 if you pay in your pants. So I’m sitting there just having a casual conversation with two total strangers. You did? Yeah. And then I said, Alright, I’m gonna go Dodger now. There’s so many stories, there’s so many stories,

there was a local lore on our college campus that one of the buildings, if not multiple of the buildings was haunted. It was what’s called the fine arts building, which we call the fab. It was a two storey building very, very old. And there was a story that at some point, some sort of demonic or satanic cult had worship there with goat heads and pentagrams and candles and sacrifice local children, you know, the kind of thing you hear about. It says no one ever. And of course, that wasn’t the case. But as a result, it was believed to have been haunted. So we knew that we had this thing, a couple of us where we would try to spend the night in as many rooms like faculty offices as we could on campus. And I’ll get back to that. But as a result, there was this small group of people who were working on an art project and they had been upstairs, they were sewing costumes and things for some theater production. And they had taped decided at three in the morning, okay, we’re exhausted, let’s just take a nap, we’ll wake up at five, we’ll keep working and everything to be ready by nine. We got wind, we waited for them to fall asleep. And then we went into the building. And there are like, I don’t know, 20 easels, big wood easels with canvases on them. And we laid all of them down on their sides. And we would paint like a stroke, like a red stroke on everyone looked exactly the same. And then we would have somebody was making the sound of like footsteps on the steps and then would stop at the very top. And they would like secretly kind of climb out. And later, we found out that these people had woken up, someone had heard footsteps, they woke everybody else up. It was the dark of night, the darkest of dark before dawn, you know, 430 or something. And they were so scared. And they ran out to the basement, I mean to the main level. And there was just enough moonlight coming in through that they saw something not right. And they turn on the lights and all the easels had been turned on their sides with the same paint stroke, and they just absolutely did.

Did any of these people ever find out that it was you? Or is this you telling on yourself for the first time and

there’s another thing that we did that I that nobody knows about? And he may find out now, but so we would sneak into professors offices, or we would go in there for meetings, and we would find ways to rig it so that we could get in there after they left. So we might like put tape on a door tongue, you know, so that it wouldn’t lock or we like I would go into the chaplains office and pretend like I had a bit of a problem. And I would unlock his window when he turned to answer the phone that my friend was calling in so that he would answer my guys make up a problem and then say You know what, I feel like I’m better. Thanks for talking and I would leave and so now we had our way and so one night we snuck into his office. He was the philosophy professor of the aforementioned Dr. Arrow roar. And he had two offices and outer one in inner one and both of them were full of bookshelves and he had just paid a student to catalog his books and put them in alphabetical order by subject and by all We proceeded to take every single book at one in the morning off of their shelves. And we made a domino train throughout the outer and inner office up over bookshelves up over the desk through the chair around the plant. And we would take you know, sections of books out so that we could step over and not destroy it. And we had them all standing up. And so that we had the door would open. And just as the person would notice what was happening, and would stop opening is when it would hit the first book. And that’s exactly what happened.

So he watched his categorized no longer categorize books, just

DOM undreds, and hundreds to allow three of us and he was apparently very angry. Even though he had been, you know, suggesting that people prank each other, and one of the three of us folded and told him that he was in on it and he recategorized the whole thing, and to this day, he doesn’t know that I was involved in that. It was the best prank I’ve ever been a part of.

Ever, ever. Wow I’m scared to be your friend now.

You do like pranks?

I don’t you always go around the corner. Remember that? Was that you? Yes, Gary.

You Oh, I don’t like it. Hate it. I hate it. So it makes me want to do it more. I know. Because we do that at home all the time. I’m always hiding around the corner scaring the girls and they do it to me to enjoys the world’s best. She is a great scarer

Can we can we go to a sponsor so I can

use the restroom? Yep, yeah,


welcome back. Thank you. I think all this is just to say that we should not take ourselves so seriously. Really? Yeah, I think I think that we take ourselves way too seriously. Life is meant to be to be lived and laughed about. And I think that we should Well, basically I think you should be on the lookout.

I’m not excited about this because you literally are very thought provoking. What? What happened? What? You’re very what? I don’t know. I’m trying to say I do like tensional very intentional wager. premeditated There we go. You’re premeditative with your things there that that’s what you the element of surprise. Sorry, I pointed at you I don’t like being pointed out so that’s just because I’ve learned

that if you’re going to point to someone to open your hand with palm facing up and extend the entire an outward as if to say over there you will find I do

that with directly the Disney Experience. But I when I was pointing at you, I was pointing with a one finger like a kid. No, no.

So anyway, be on the lookout and live your life with some levity. What’s that mean? To be light and to laugh? To be you know, to have levity is to have some some some fun and some some lightness, some humor.

A lot of my stories are just their little bit you know, little bit on the personal side that I can’t tell some of these like really funny things because I mean, there’s really funny stuff that’s happened to me, but I’m not a prankster like you I don’t have this Arsal Tell me another one. This is fun.

Oh gosh, I don’t know if I can on the spot stuff. Well, I mean we we did other things like we would in our dorm room.

We killed someone is really funny. You could put a penny

between the door and the door jamb making it impossible for the door to be opened from the inside. So it because it would create so much pressure on the door that you couldn’t turn the knob at all because so we would. So that became outlawed once we did that. So then we decided to wrap string around this doorknob zigzag across the hall around that doorknob zigzag across the hall around that doorknob. And there would be you know, 25 rooms all now tied together with their doorknobs by string. So someone was trying to get up and go to their class they’d pull it, it was no it would suck shut the door that the person across the hall had just opened. No one.

No one could open. I did something like that. Kites had this thing for kites back in the day and you know, the big kite string and it had the two handles on either side. I took an entire I don’t know how many feet it was of kite string and I ran it through my entire house. Like through every room all over the place. That’s awesome. Mom and dad came home. It’s like this spider web. You can’t go anywhere. Yeah, you know there are 4243 years old. They’re not gonna just like start jumping all over the place and they had to step over stuff. It was it was awesome. I love

Well we all had lofts in our in our rooms that we had built so that your bed was up and you can have living space under it because it was a small space and we would go into people’s rooms and put half cups of water all on their floor. And then we will put another layer of half cups of water so that when they got up the only way to get out of bed from six feet up was to jump down onto a floor covered with cups half full of water. There was no way not to spill a ton of water in your dorm room. There’s no way to get out god you’re so mean. Well, it was college college I Latin for me, my roommate and I our friend and I would we went on a three day hike in camping trip during Easter weekend. Once we came back and our neighbors had pranked us we were locked out of our room. When we finally got in, they had put a baby powder at the foot of our door because they couldn’t get in a room either. I don’t know We locked ourselves out and they couldn’t get in. So they put baby powder at the door, the foot of the door and raccoon urine, which hunters apparently used to mask their scent. So if you put raccoon urine on your boots and pants and stuff deer don’t think you’re human. They think Oh, raccoons been around here. So these guys were hunters so they put raccoon urine which you can buy in a bottle on baby powder. And with a hairdryer sat there for however long and blue urine soaked baby powder under the door into our dorm room and I don’t know how long or how much but when we finally got back after three days, totally exhausted from hiking forever malnourished because all we had was a ramen packet. Exhausted emaciated bout to die. We opened our dorm room finally once the security guard let us in and there was literally a half inch thick covering of dust. That was urine soaked baby powder on everything in our dorm room.

My mouth is just a gate right now. That’s awful computer

keyboard, done. Beds refrigerator microwave floor it was covered. What was that smell like? It was horrible, but we couldn’t same thing because we’d pranked so many people. So you know you’re like well let’s go to what do you do? You prank them again. You go to Golden Corral that’s where you went yeah, we hadn’t eaten may have been a Ryan’s I don’t differentiate between those. That’s the only time I think I’ve ever been to Orion

has ever been to either I don’t even know I wouldn’t even know what they were so hungry and so solid. Yeah, I was so hungry and so

what do you do you go Brian?

You do and you’re sad.

So we did that kind of stuff all the time we would bring our mattresses out in the hallway and line up the walls we would play hole hockey with hockey sticks and a ball and we would body check each other into the walls but there are mattresses there and bats bat is just such a fun time. Awesome guys are so stupid. But he would do terrible things to each other to like make you eat tacos that had you know nail clippings in it and stuff and people didn’t know it and that’s just a scar

Do you know like the you know the like the five rounds? Like the five love those me too. Okay, so you know how they come in giant size? Yeah, they come in 12 packs, and I was dared I earned when he was at Eastern Kentucky University. His fraternity brothers dared me to eat a whole box of those. I was like, how do that was I didn’t throw up but I was miserable. It was awful. I wanted I wanted to die like I was just like I was coiled up

I’ll never forget the maintenance man in college. You know he’d be vacuuming and I don’t know why you have to vacuum at 530 in the morning in a college dorm but he his name was Luther and he had long hair and you’ve seen his mug shot everyone has and he would vacuum and he would ram the vacuum cleaner into your dorm room door you know bathroom. Boom. Waking you up. Well the same self same Luthor would vacuum in the girls dorms too. And the rule was if a male was entering because I went to it was a Presbyterian College and it was pretty conservative. So we didn’t have co Ed dorms you only were allowed to just tell enjoy this the other day in her mouth was a gape at the ridiculousness of this but we had was called Open dorms. Friday night, Saturday afternoon, Saturday night and Sunday afternoon. You could have the opposite sex in your dorms, but your doors had to remain open the length of a shoe and your RA your resident assistant had to be aware that there was someone in your room like it was like hearing myself say that now my

oh my god, that’s the length of a shoe.

Literally you would see shoes indoors like it was ridiculous. But you look so forward to open dorms, right? Well, to go into the opposite member’s dorm for you had to have a reason and you had to announce so maintenance would go in to the girls dorms. It’d be like this maintenance you know they normally they come in maintenance man on the hall. That’s what we would say if I had to go in and get something man on the hall and that let everybody know you know, stay in your rooms. Maintenance we go maintenance. Like you’re so creepy and disgusting. But that’s just another funny, funny goober head. It was a great experience really, in so many ways. We we circulated a story that there was a Going around college campuses and we got in the theater department. We had some monk’s robes and we had a stereo playing some really haunting music and people would go out in the end look up in the security lights all around campus and they would do this like weird dance with their back out. And it was like, like we were all in a trance of some kind doing this weird day. What

was your What was your GPA?

The news was that there was like the cult had reached King College.

What was your GPA? Dino? Oh, probably was a 4.7

back then you couldn’t get more than a 4.0

Did you get a participation trophy?

Absolutely not. Those didn’t come out until the early 2000s Hmm. This seven

this episode has a proven that I am boring and you are fun. And that is why we make such a good team. We’re like, we’re like Simona we’re like to moan and poobah

but really everybody thinks you’re the funny one. But all our listeners think

you’re though but I’m not. I just say stupid things and they feel sorry for me. So they laugh. It’s

not entirely

true. It’s like oh, Nathan’s talking. Oh, you know, it’s like words were

okay, I talk too much. So

you don’t I think it’s great. I think it’s awesome. This is a fun episode. I feel like I know you even better me too. I I just told you how I wet my pants like a toddler. I

already knew that you do that sometimes. I don’t see other stuff. Playing. I didn’t know that you played baseball and basketball. Yeah, it’s awesome. It’s been good to get to know you. Thank you. So go out and do something funny. make somebody laugh. Live a Little have some levity. In other words that start with l like love. We’re going to do an episode on love. Okay. Appointed sorry. One of our most overused shopworn threadbare words that still has some of its blame left intact

love Yeah, be sure to visit you’ll die

send us a note you’ll die trying Visit forward slash you’ll die trying leave a five star review. I don’t think anyone does that. I think they go on Facebook and like search. I don’t want them

to do it on Facebook. I see we need to rearrange that because I want them in their listening device app like Apple podcasts to click five star Okay, that’s what I want a review to be a five star review. So you can say yeah, like these guys. They’re funny or doctor girls really smart. Nathan’s back? Yeah, that’s

not what they say. They say Nathan, you’re so funny.

That’s funny, Nathan. Jonathan