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Season 1 Episode 19: Stella Got Her Groove Back

welcome back this is you’ll die trying I am Jonathan Carol and I’m Nathan Morris always laughing what’s going on with your arm I don’t have a clue I’m not gonna sit here and talk about it my ailments this whole podcast has become my ailments well I have Athens bought in Mali apart I’ve WebMD did and it doesn’t look good Oh what is it doctor I you need to discover that on your own well Nathan has some tingling sensations in his arm it’s my right arm everyone it’s at the top and then there’s a pain then it’s just kind of down to my you have a pinched nerve or something I think so too I shouldn’t have put that piece of furniture together or lifted that 88 pound box with my right arm by myself not even kidding not trying to sound like it wasn’t it wasn’t graceful I’m not trying to sound strong there’s just 88 pound box and fire plate fire pit Megan so I put this together which is fine I don’t mind but well how did I do it was just one arm one arm did like this and then it almost felled my knee got involved you should see the bruise on my hip really your knee got involved and so I should see the bruise on your hip well I guess it hit here and rolled down here I’ll show you so just to describe for you what’s happening Nathan ooh that is a bad bruise that’s that’s terrible I told you I wasn’t trying to make a cool story I’ll forget that look I’ve really should this is you’ll die trying you never know what’s gonna happen it definitely done
Raise a may try Hey
we talk often on our podcast about relationships and we use the term transactional sometimes to describe relationships where I need something from you or vice versa and I want to make sure that we’re all clear that those are not bad that those can be good and those are real and they also can lead into friendships for instance I ever heard you the other day talking to TR Ward from American mortuary coolers it’s obvious how much respect y’all have for one another even though the relationships primarily a business one absolutely TR Ward is my go-to at American mortuary coolers I mean when you think of coolers or American mortuary coolers for that you just think of that and there’s so much more than that in the world that I’m in and the five rooftops and you have vendors everywhere and to be able to streamline a process is fantastic and phenomenal so he is my go-to guy anything from prep room care center related to funeral visitation related TR ward at American mortuary coolers has me and my team and family covered to all of our listeners out there who share as Nathan does in the funeral profession and the caring of families in their time of grief if you haven’t already give a call one eight eight eight seven nine two nine three one five or email funeral source one at gmail.com and visit american mortuary coolers calm for all of your funeral needs so I thought it would be good for us today Nathan to talk about happiness o day would you say that you’re a happy person in general yes why do you think that is because I’ve been not happy and I don’t like that version of myself and so every day I kind of choose to be happy there are moments where I’m not let’s be very honest there’s not glitter and confetti I think I’ve referenced that in a previous podcast but I don’t like the other me they’re not happy me being happy is just kind of fun and I think I’m more fun to be around wouldn’t you agree yeah do you think that it’s there’s a distinction between happiness and joy yes yes you outline that for us I don’t know that I can probably do it as intellectual as you or intelligently as you odorous crooked by the way so what you get for house from 1860 anyway no here let me try I’ll try joy is night I think joy is the is joy the feeling like I feel like warm and fuzzy that’s like a joy and then happiness is like what you choose to please help me I’m drowning well I mean I don’t know that there is a right answer I know my response or my thoughts about that are that happiness is circumstantial I can have a happy moment I can feel happiness about a certain thing a certain context a certain situation or not but joy is a kind of an experience and an emotional reality that’s occurring kind of in the background a deep-seated contentment a privileged delight a pleasure in living that’s not circumstantial so if I’m getting pulled over by a police officer which doesn’t happen ever I might not be happy in that moment but I can still be a person of joy I can still be filled with joy there are people who have happy moments who don’t have joy so I think joy is that kind of underlying life satisfaction with a sense of well-being that is beyond circumstances and happiness tends to be circumstantial are you happy right now yes I’m happy right now yeah exactly do you have joy right now I do have joy me too I I believe myself to be a joy-filled person you are by the circumstances and sometimes because of them I think you’re always full of joy and you’re always I’ve never seen you not happy that’s nice of you to say thank you I have it I’m gonna make you I’m gonna try to make you mad that’s a nice life goal to make you mad try to make someone yeah I think that that really is helpful it’s life-giving and I’m that makes me a really good friend exactly I’d like to there there are so many great books on happiness but the one that I’d like to draw our listeners attention to is a book by shawn Achor called the happiness advantage how a positive brain fuels success in work and life the idea being contrary to conventional wisdom which is that if we work hard we will be successful and if we’re more successful then we’ll be happy the idea of the book however is a bit different and it’s from the field of positive psychology and it shows that the the formula is backwards that actually happiness fuels success and not the other way around and of course your felt goes off thinner up such a beautiful point do you know who the world’s happiest person is is this a joke or is this true it’s true the Dalai Lama no but you’re close I mean you’re definitely closer than I think most people would say Buddha he is a Buddhist ok is he living matthieu ricard was at the time 69 which would make him about 71 now ok a Tibetan Buddhist monk born and reared in France he participated in a 12-year brain study on meditation and compassion that was led by dr. Richard Davidson who’s a neuroscientist from the University of Wisconsin and matthieu ricard among others had his his brain connected to 256 sensors and his meditation and contemplation led his mind to be unusually light so it was said that he can meditate for entire days at a time and according to this study he is by far the world’s happiest person because of it he is totally comfortable with being with himself yeah my friend sorry being in his own mind in his own yeah my friend actually over the weekend was talking about how their spouse has taken up meditation like actual meditation sitting and reflection a lot of people call prayer meditation this friend of mine he actually sits somewhere in this house and sits and I don’t know what as meditation consists of but it’s what you would think of with meditation I picture like sitting indian-style crisscross applesauce there you go more appropriate and and starting that way I don’t know that’s that’s pretty awesome well record says that meditating for him is not me me me like it would be quite stuffy he says that actually the secret to happiness for him is striving to be benevolent which makes you feel better and makes other people enjoy you more we think about that now not to confuse that with letting other people take advantage of you of course but your striving generally speaking to be kind within reason you don’t want to become a doormat but to be benevolent if your mind is filled with benevolence the passion and solidarity that benevolence brings then you become in a very healthy state of mind and that becomes your conductor to being more a more flourishing person do you meditate I do I wouldn’t say that it would match the criteria of conventional description I don’t sit in the same place all the time and but I do watch my breathing and sit in silence and in a sense of kind of prepare and we talked in a previous podcast about emptying and yeah I do that one of the really cool features on the Apple watch is it’ll say time to breathe and it will give you you said I guess throughout the day I don’t know it well enough but I do know apparently at the end of every day I do this breathing exercise for one minute and I’d follow the breathing in the breathing out it’s super helpful I know we talked about that previously but anyway I want to be like Ricard I want to be the happiest person on the planet so he has some some tips okay like pass me that cookie tip that looks delicious this there is a cookie the size of dr. Jays head that we are going to split down the middle it’s as you as you guys we are this that’s delicious breaking in half oh and it’s kind of a Eucharistic moment watching you break you get the bigger half no no no no no it’s all you do nope you know I’m not taking it okay you’re gonna continue so card says the first thing that we should do and just makes so much sense is to start training your mind like you would train your body to run a marathon he says everybody has the ability to have a lighter mind because there’s potential for goodness in every person unless you’re you know a serial killer but everyone else has the capacity for kindness but like a marathon runner no one’s gonna get up off the couch and go run 26.2 miles people who want to be happier have to train their minds he’s waiting for me to interject so he can take that nice piece and take a bite of it all right your turn keep going with mental training and we can bring our level of happiness to a higher level like running if I train I get to run farther and feel more comfortable doing it the next time right and if I do that long enough I push myself and challenge and stretch myself then the next time I get to go a little bit farther potentially a little bit faster so benevolence intentionality paying attention emotional balance resilience all of these are skills that can be honed these are things that we can be educated and trained for you put them all together happiness is a skill that you can be taught I don’t really think there’s not something that can be better in your life right I mean you can always I guess my point is is everything is fixable everything is is capable of being better would you agree with that I think I think that’s true a lot of the time I’m trying to think of situation where it would be and there probably are bunch so don’t scold me for I just I can’t think of a scenario yet in my mind I’m always just thinking of well if you want to be a better this then do this I don’t know am I wrong where no I’m thinking to I think you know there are certain ways that we can’t improve physical health probably with just our thinking although there are people who think through say that you can like there’s another Tibetan Buddhist monk who was able to reduce his body temperature in a heart rate to that of near death clinical conditions with meditation chase ’em how you know that you can do that and then wanting to do that those are that’s a different conversation it’s a totally like who in their right mind wakes up one morning and says I want to lower my body temperature it’s kind of just I want to wake up with a fever I mean that’s I actually know someone this is true and this is my friend’s dad’s dad diagnosed with cancer true story very faith filled individual power of prayer obviously I believe in he believes in and he said he’s not doing chemotherapy or any type of radiation you know what he did he went to the farmers market and bought a bunch of vegetables and fruits and juiced non-stop for a year never went back to the doctor to see if the cancer had metastasized or okay whatever choose to everything everything okay everything changed his diet lost weight felt incredible after a year he went to a yearly checkup and they’re like what cancer unbelievable cancer unbelievable mm-hmm how did I get on that we were talking about happiness and you brought up cancer no you’re talking about how your body has certain conditions that you may or may not be able to control with thinking and you gave an example of hell someone seemed to be able to control that but of course there are situations where you can’t but in most cases I think you’re right we can be better now what we do mm-hmm one of the things that record says that we ought to do is spend 15 minutes a day with continuous positive thoughts uninterrupted 15 minutes of continuous positive thoughts I like that idea I like the idea of spending a portion of this podcast doing positive thinking and affirmation to our lives and each other you down to do that yeah absolutely but before we do that I also want to add this tidbit when I started here at the funeral home my now mother-in-law I find out that she is a breast cancer survivor and she did not miss a day of work she was diagnosed with stage four breast cancer stayed positive stayed happy stayed prayerful and she later I said what was the what do you feel aside from the treatment that you received from the incredible doctors and staff she said I was happy I stayed happy when I would go in for her specific treatments she said there are a lot of people that were down obviously I mean who we to speak to that as she said that she chose to remain happy and she stayed happy throughout the entire process and because of that she believes that she was healed partly because of that in that pretty wild it’s beautiful in remission for 2000 since 2007 anybody who knows her knows that she’s an incredibly positive person always my mother-in-law grew up on a farm and you know had three brothers and sisters and they you know worked their tails off to make ends meet and they had to work for everything they had and she chose to be happy she rode the bus to school I mean her story is really really incredible it comes from a great family family now has a huge farm operation and they’re the most humble humans that I’ve that I’ve encountered to be quite honest with you and anyway that’s just a little tidbit of information if a lady who is diagnosed with stage four cancer sitting receiving chemotherapy treatments and radiation treatments can sit and smile then you know I don’t think are scuffed up shoes or that big of a deal yeah it’s once again as we’ve mentioned before finding what you can in your life to be grateful for and to think positively about right right so let’s spend a moment let’s talk about all the beauty that is in our lives because it’s be honest it’s let’s go back to the scuff step you I did scuff my shoe up these nice shoes on that on the cot she put your toe under the cot wheel not happy about that but it’s okay right it’s more than okay it’s okay yeah that cookie was delicious it still is I’m pausing because I don’t want to chew okay publicly this is it publicly there’s a thing that people really hate the sound of other people chewing oh I have a friend Casey Casey if you’re listening ever since I’ve known her she literally wants to punch people in the head if they chew gum she’s like quit chewing gum so it’s pretty amazing that’s that’s a thing that is definitely I don’t have that problem you know what I do have a problem I think we’ve talked about it sounds we’ve talked about it yeah okay we’re supposed to be talking positive you’re like why do you think it’s hard for people to be positive we’ve talked a little bit about this in a podcast about gossipers called gossipers be kind but why do you think it is that we are we tend toward a negative bias I don’t know I think everybody likes that kind of a story right now it’s a very negative time in a lot of ways right now if you’re open to that you can see it it’s like anything else if you’re if you’re looking for it you can find it it’s everywhere it’s on the it’s on the dramas it’s on the comedies it’s on everything if our as far as what your entertainment is it’s in the news which of course has been that way for quite some time it’s in the circles of people that you encounter I think it’s just the I think it’s just the wow factor that people were drawn to people love the train wreck which is weird it’s felt it’s unnecessary I don’t like to train wreck I don’t you ever heard of a of loud sue loud sue Lau soup
let’s do this again I thought you said loud sooo like it’s a nursery rhyme reader Lao su no I have not probably a Chinese prophet in fact he was Chinese and was the founder of Taoism oh one of the major world religions recognized and Lao Tzu has a phenomenal quotation watch your thoughts they become words watch your words they become actions watch your actions they become habit watch your habits they become character watch your character it becomes your destiny dang there is your long Albion short path from your thought life to your future it’s all about what you think about we all have a set of messages that play over and over in our minds and it’s it’s an internal dialogue it’s a kind of personal commentary which has influence over our words our actions our habits our relationships and ultimately in the words of Lao Tzu the destiny of our lives so how can we get out of this pattern of negative self-talk we get in a negative feedback loop where that internal seed of negativity causes this dark ripple to carry out into the farthest corners of our everyday life what can we do to interrupt that to go away from talking about all that’s wrong with the world and always expecting the worst and instead to think differently to brighten our world view the thoughts well first and foremost beautifully said beautifully questioned I believe that Lao Tzu did a great job there Lao su correct jokes aside I think that’s beautiful I and it amazing that what you think ultimately becomes your destiny whoa you can apply that in so many different ways in life when I pull out of my driveway in the morning look at my house and I look at the really really pretty flowers out front that Megan does such a good job I keep alive and I think I love my house and then I Drive down the street and then I notice that I love my neighborhood and I get to the corner when I turn right every morning like clockwork and I’m like mmm I love that I don’t have to sit here long because I get out at the right time before all the traffic comes yeah you go down that road don’t you sometimes yeah you’re all over the place you’re just trying to find the river
schools that I just trying to smell fish and listen for fog warning just need the river I think those are those are things that I’ve done to really start that process so gratitude gratitude have an attitude of gratitude I think we had an episode on that exclusively we do practice gratitude first step toward a more positive life a more positive self narrative another one surround yourself with positive people right surround yourself with those types of people if you find yourself or ditch the crabs dig the crabs if you put a crab in a bucket it will climb out if you put a second crab in the bucket neither of them will climb out you know what because they’re fighting one tries to escape and the other one pulls it back down into the bucket is this real yep surround yourself with positive people if you don’t there will be people by the buckets full whose negative crab-like mentality will cause you to slide down if you ever noticed that positive people spending time with negatively never worried into people never those negative people didn’t have a more powerful valence over the positive than vice-versa oh I was over here saying never hang out but I get your saying now ditch the crabs so be grateful ditch the crabs what else let’s see here I’m gonna kind of throw out a
Matthew McConaughey said don’t leave any crumbs so action I don’t I see how about kindness doing something kind that’s exactly what I was trying to say because you know leaving no crumbs is an act of responsibility and accountability and it’s a way of showing kindness to those who come behind us there we go do something kind it’s easy to get absorbed in our own worlds of misfortune and forgetting about people around us or step outside the daily routine help somebody else do something and you will have an unbelievably beautiful amazing perspective and you’ll be filled with positive thinking don’t ask me what else smile smile that’s a way to trick your mind actually that is more positive as through smiling the simple act of smiling even if you don’t necessarily have very much to smile about in a moment instantly changes the way you feel internally and it changes the way people interact with you also I’m smiling it feels really really good to smile try smiling and a stranger you pass on the sidewalk and see if they smile back I do that a lot and some people don’t have anything to do with me it’s true in larger cities I remember growing up and I was told when you go visit the city don’t make eye contact with anyone don’t talk don’t look whatever you do don’t smile like you become a vulnerable you know what’s the silliest thing gray yeah no I’d go ahead my way to say hi to everybody making gets onto me we go to like functions and stuff all the time for the homes we’re very involved know talked about that but I’ll go at him away to like saying hi to everyone and people some people hey if you’re gonna go to a public event you better be ready to talk right when you agree yeah I think so I mean especially if you’re there representing if you’re representing a business go there anyway if you’re there just as a date or something and you just go and dance and eat then it’s like yeah you know if they’re not allowed to dance if you don’t talk to people right it’s rude anyway I do is I think smiling at people to say hello to people giving them a good how do you do makes one happier makes me happier one more one more so we practice gratitude we do something kind for someone we ditch the crabs there’s gonna pull us back down and we smile finally actually how about two more two more it’s what they call do the two steps forward so the idea that is this it takes a while to shift our thinking patterns from a more negative to a more positive of orientation so we have to be patient with ourselves and try to simply observe our thought patterns and when we do we try to catch ourselves so if we’re getting ready to say something negative we catch ourselves if we’re getting ready to gossip about someone we catch ourselves if we’re about to say something judgmental we catch ourselves we focus on that failure that failure of nerve to be more positive and we observe like what is that about then we counter that with something positive so even though we might have taken a step back we just took two steps forward right so we have a net gain of one step hmm finally it always comes back to the body positive posture do you know people whose posture tells you a story you know they haven’t told you anything yes the mind and the body have an intrinsic connection each impacts the other in profound ways if you are struggling to move your mind into a more positive perspective try it with your body first stand up straight shoulders back chin level a high chin is often body language indicating an anger posture sometimes we think it’s arrogance it’s normally anger which probably comes out of hurt there’s probably a little bit of fear so shoulders straight I mean shoulders back back straight chin nice and level with the ground stretch your arms out as wide as they can go feel your power feel your positivity carry that posture with you encouraging your mind to feel it as well and you’ll be amazed at the difference I would not want to be in an airport terminal with you because one who doesn’t judge you do see things however and you probably see thousand people walk by and you could say okay they’re miserable oh wow they’re going on a vacation it’s one of our joys and my favorite games to play I bet we just did this recently we were out with friends and there were these there’s a couple near us and and Joe and I are we’re locked in right we’re still very engaged in the conversation but we’re both locked in with the dynamics going on beside us and we have like these little clue words that will just kind of toss back and forth even though no one else is in the conversation because we’re both like trying to figure out what’s going on I like to play like what denomination are they because I think that’s fun are they Baptist or they Catholic but we also like to talk about backstories so if we’re just the two of us I’ll be like okay that couple right there enjoy I’ll say okay that girl this is her first serious relationship she got married she’s still happy but she won’t be in ten years this guy is you know it’s like this entire backstory and then I do the same thing and then we judge like which pieces of those are probably true and then you go up to Caramba go over there and we’re like okay here’s what we think about you tell us your real story no we don’t do that part but it’s just really fun to kind of engage let me be your friend what what other people are saying with their posture right and with their eye their facial expressions maybe we were watching this one guy who’s talking to his wife and every time you talk to her he would tilt his head and raise his eyebrows like he was talking to a dog it just you know we eat on the carpet he’s like man and and does she even see that anymore or have they been together so long it’s just so fascinating I don’t think anything less of them there I’m sure they’re wonderful people but as an example of like the messages we send we’re always sending messages right my and I went to dinner the other night we had a date night it was awesome and we went and we sat at the Mexican restaurant and I was very being conscientious of those things is very important and she left there and she had a really good night you know I th